Farewell

After a full year of giving praise whenever it was due, and often even when it wasn't, Folly is tired and needs rest.

But She is confident that Her minions around the world will keep up their good work in Her name. And perhaps She'll again rise in another 500 years . . .

A Japanese Garden

Here he goes again.

Senator Tom Coburn, who in spite of being in the US Senate for nearly a full year still stubbornly believes government should be respondent to the needs of the people, proposed an amendment to the HHS and Education bill that would've transferred $60 million from a construction project at the Center for Disease Control into the AIDS Drug Assistance Program.

But this construction project isn't just any ordinary construction project. This one includes a Japanese garden and a stream for the agency's Atlanta campus.

What's more important: live AIDS patients or a scenic area for government employees?

The US Senate, 85-14, voted for the scenic area.

Perhaps next year Dr. Coburn will finally understand how government works.

Indicted for Patriotism

In one of the most egregious examples of legal skullduggery, Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald indicted Vice-President Cheney's Chief of Staff, Scooter Libby, effectively with the charge of patriotism.

For if Scooter indeed was responsible for leaking the name of a CIA operative, he did so because the operative's husband, Joseph Wilson, was undermining the case for invading Iraq.

If Wilson had succeeded, tens of thousands of Iraqis wouldn't have been killed, not to mention two thousand American soldiers, most of whom came from the country's lower classes.

Scooter had to do it, to show Wilson and others like him that no one can stand in the way of the iron fist of democracy.

Instead of an indictment, Scooter should be lionized; and most likely will, once President Bush eventually pardons him.

A Nice Three Months

While families across America struggle to pay for the rising price of gasoline, for the quarter ending September 30 Exxon Mobil reported a profit of nearly $10 billion. Billion.

Royal Dutch Shell reported $9 billion and BP reported $6.5 billion. Billion.

Greed certainly pays well. Very well.

Perhaps that's why She's Folly's best friend.

Compromise

With the US Senate foolishly attempting to ban the military from committing torture, Vice-President Cheney has once again come to the rescue, this time with a quite reasonable compromise.

Cheney's compromise is to forbid the armed forces from committing torture but allow the CIA to carry out any vile, inhuman act it wishes, even murder.

Just as long as someone can torture, Folly's fears will be abated.

Save the Goldfish

Rome, that center of humanitarianism that has given the world Julius Caesar, the Borgias, and Mussolini, has just enacted a law banning goldfish bowls.

For it's not nice to put little goldfishy in tiny glass bowls.

Of course, at the same time they are still sending their sons and daughters to kill and die in Iraq. But this is something completely different.

Watch Your W's and Q's

A Turkish court has fined 20 people for using letters Q and W on Kurdish placards. The two letters don't exist in the Turkish alphabet and are therefore unletters, use of which is clearly a crime.

-ith la-s like this, there is no -uestion Turkey -ill realize its dreams of full membership within the European community.

No Paperwork Needed

According to the Electronic Privacy Information Center, the FBI has been conducting clandestine operations on hundreds of US residents without proper paperwork or oversight.

This is good. What's not good is that the Electronic Privacy Information Center was able to obtain this information.

Hopefully, the next "patriot" act will do away with that silly Freedom of Information Act. Because half a police state is only half a police state.

Good Friends

It's always good to have friends in high places. Just ask Harriet Miers.

In 2000, she sold a parcel of land to the state of Texas for $100,000; a parcel that was worth $10,000.

And how was she able to do that?

It seems that the state committee that determined the price included her friends.

Good friends, it would appear.

Hoard for a Rainy Day

When an earthquake stroke Pakistan a few weeks ago, aid flooded in from around the world. In excess it would appear, even though many still desperately need tents.

According to Human Rights Watch, the Pakistani civil authorities, under military supervision, are hoarding tents and other relief supplies.

Why would they do this? You don't think they're transferring all these goods to the military in anticipation of a future war with India, do you?

Well, just as long as it's for a good cause.

Life is a Carnival

When Hurricane Katrina hit, Americans were asked to help. This included corporations, like Carnival Cruise Lines, which graciously offered their ships to the displaced. And at a fair price: $236 million, which may seem like a lot, but is only 50% more than they would've earned normally.

There is nothing wrong with price gouging, just as long as it's for a good cause.

Taunt and Burn

In video footage captured by Australias SBS network, US soldiers in Afghanistan, having a little fun, recently burned the bodies of two Taliban fighters and then taunted those that remained over loud speaker with the following:

"Taliban, you are all cowardly dogs. You allowed your fighters to be laid down facing west and burned. You are too scared to come down and retrieve their bodies."

It's good to see the US finally getting the hang of this war by completely dehumanizing itself and becoming just like the enemy.

Your Laser Printer is Watching

According to the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and apparently confirmed by the US Secret Service, most color laser printers print out a secret code that identifies the prints and helps governments identify who printed it.

Of course, no need to worry. They are only using it to track counterfeiters. No government organization would ever use such information for nefarious purposes.

Yes!

Diffusing fears that the Iraqis would not take to democracy, reports from Iraq's constitutional election are overwhelmingly positive.

According to Sunni leaders, police confiscated ballots boxes for districts strongly opposed to the new constitution, and that some "yes" districts had more votes than voters.

And in some provinces, "yes" received 99% of the vote.

This means that the election was not much different than any given election in the city of Chicago.

Hail, democracy!

Punishing the Sinners

The US military yesterday bombed two Iraqi villages, killing an estimated 70 insurgents, more than half of whom were diabolically dressed as civilians, including some who even pretended to be women and children.

Today we praise the Lord for punishing the sinners, knowing that even if there were a few innocents killed, He will certainly grant them mercy.

Bring Out Your Muslims

Since Thursday's attack in southern Russia by Islamic militants, the local authorities have been rounding up dozens of Muslims, whose only crime appears to be being Muslim.

Seems perfectly logical to Folly. The war on terrorism is in fact a religious war and needs to be approached that way.

It's what the terrorists would want.

Unamerican Girl

Two righteous Christian organizations are threatening to boycott American Girl, a manufacturer of children dolls, because the company is contributing funds to certain educational programs of Girls, Inc., a 150-year-old organization that supports inner-city girls.

And why is this a boycottable offense, you might ask?

Well, while Girls, Inc. may undoubtedly provide the type of private-sector charity work conservatives endorse, it also sinisterly supports abortion and gay rights.

No deviation from orthodoxy can be tolerated.

Folly supports this form of holy blackmail and hopes American Girl capitulates for the sake of G-d; or at least for the sake of its bottom line.

Save the Slush

That grand defender of the downtrodden proletariat, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, yesterday came out against a California ballot initiative that would forbid trade unions from making political contributions without the permission of their membership, as it could severely limit the labor slush fund the Democratic Party relies on.

Folly fully supports Comrade Kerry. For the sake of the American way of life, political graft and corruption must continue unabated.

A Sacred Choice

President Bush, continually and unfairly questioned about why he would nominate an unqualified person to the Supreme Court, said he selected Harriet Miers in strong part because of her religion and her religious views.

This, of course, is quite congruent with a theocracy, so it should cause no one concern. Just imagine a judge during the great Inquisition who wasn't selected because of his religion and his religious views.

Book of the Year

Quite deservingly, author J.K. Rowling won the first ever Quill Award for Book of the Year in recognition of her literary masterpiece, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Certainly there could not have been another book anywhere that wove such an intricate plot with such compelling characterization and brute intellectual power.

The Most Brilliant Man

According to former White House speechwriter David Frum, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers once told him that Bush was "the most brilliant man she'd ever met."

This should give comfort to all those who question whether Miers has the intellectual heft to become a Supreme Court justice; because if she thinks Bush is smart, she herself must be smart as well.

Divine Retribution

Pop singer Madonna, a noted Kabbalahist, has provoked wrath with her new song about a 16th-century Jewish mystic, a wrath that might extend beyond the borders of our material world.

Rabbi Rafael Cohen, perhaps a distant cousin of Folly's own vassal, said, "Her act is just simply unacceptable and I can only sympathize for her because of the punishment that she is going to receive from the heavens."

Truer words cannot be spoken. For there can be no worst sinner on Earth for the good Lord to punish.

On His Hands

James Dobson, the great evangelical credited with warning Christendom of the evil of SpongeBob SquarePants, reportedly is having second thoughts on supporting Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers, saying that if she doesn't overturn Roe v. Wade, the blood of all aborted fetuses will be on his hands.

Little did ordinary Americans know that this man has the power overrule the President of the United States.

But then again, the very definition of theocracy is "a government ruled by or subject to religious authority."

A Bridge to Nowhere

For those who thinks the federal government wastes money, their minds would quickly change if could see the 223 million-dollar bridge the US is building in Ketchikan, Alaska.

True, Ketchikan is in the middle of nowhere and serves no useful purpose to anyone outside Ketchikan; and true, there already exists sufficient transportation options within Ketchikan.

But if a bridge must be built, why not build it in Ketchikan?

He Told Him So

For those wondering why President Bush invaded Iraq for seemingly no reason, BBC just may have the answer.

According to a new documentary, Bush told Palestinian Deputy Prime Minister Nabil Shaah that G-d said to him, "George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq."

See, he did have a good reason.

And for the sake of continuing the blood and the carnage, Folly hopes the good Lord never tells him to leave.

90 Dupes

Ninety US senators yesterday unwittingly became dupes of terrorism when they voted to prohibit the torturing of military prisoners. Only nine brave Christians had the foresight to understand that the only way to defeat terrorists is to succumb to their moral level.

Fortunately, the President has said that he will veto the legislation. And well he should, as it is presidential prerogative to torture people, even those not charged with crimes.

Quixotic

In an operation that would've surely pleased a certain knight-errant and his faithful companion, US troops are battling insurgents, seeking to retake three Euphrates River towns.

Of course, once they accomplish their mission and leave, the insurgents will return. But that doesn't make the mission any less meaningful.

No word yet as to whether they've encountered any windmills.

The Second Time's the Charm

In the second miscarriage of justice in as many weeks, the magnificent Commander of the Faithful, Congressman Tom DeLay, was wrongfully indicted for wrong doing.

But like the Savior, who was also falsely charged by the enemies of the Lord, this American Savior will also prevail.

If not in this life, in the next one.

Get Your Dancing Shoes Ready

With President Bush nominating for the Supreme Court Harriet Miers, a person who is a complete tabula rasa in regards to the law and the Constitution, Folly anticipates that during her confirmation hearing we'll be treated to another of what Senator Biden called a "Kabuki dance."

Hopefully, Biden will put on the same amusing display he entertained us with during the Roberts' confirmation. This time perhaps he'll bring his top hat and dancing shoes.

Another Success

The terrorist bombing in Bali, reputedly by al Qaeda operatives, is further proof that the war on terrorism is a rousing success. As such operation is just another example of a "death throe," as the glorious Vice-President would say.

The more death throes, the more success.

Keep bringing it on.

Think Good Thoughts

Little did Sandra Catena know that when she recently sat down on a New York City park bench waiting an arts festival to begin that she had committed a thought crime.

For, as this park bench was in a playground and she didn't have a child with her, she was immediately identified as pedophile and fined $1,000. Convicted without a trial, without evidence, without action of malice.

So, Folly recommends that next time you visit New York City, stay out of the parks and think only good thoughts.

Satire Not Welcome

Conservative talk-show host Bill Bennett Wednesday made the Swiftian remark, "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down."

But unlike when "A Modest Proposal" was published, it was the left that was indignant.

And rightfully so. Doesn't Bennett realize that only the left may use satire?

Hammer Time

The great Commander of the Faithful, congressman Tom DeLay, also known as the Hammer because he is a metaphor of Justice, was yesterday indicted of breaking Texas' election laws.

Of course, DeLay properly denounced the charges, attacking the prosecutor, Democrat Ronnie Earle as partisan hack, even though he has prosecuted four times as many Democrats as Republicans.

Certainly, DeLay knows a partisan hack when he sees one.

Folly can take solace, though, in the knowledge that they could never find 12 Texans willing to convict DeLay of anything.

Equality

After the United States "liberated" Iraq, one of the goals of the occupation was to give women a degree of equality that they never enjoyed before.

This goal may be finally coming to fruition.

Yesterday, the first female suicide bomber in Iraq blew up herself and others, demonstrating definitively that women are now full and equal participants in the creation of a new Iraq.

Prid Pro Quo

As the Black Ministers' Council of New Jersey doesn't make political endorsements, it was quite strange that they recently endorsed Jon Corzine for governor.

Surely, it had nothing to do with the fact that Corzine had donated more than $2.5 million to their churches.

Surely.

Introduce, But Don't Confirm

Democratic senator Evan Bayh thought so much of Judge John Roberts a few weeks ago that he introduced him to the Senate Judiciary Committee prior to the Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

But as soon as the Democratic apparatchiks decried Roberts' formalism, Bayh, a presidential aspirant, turned on him.

It's such political mettle that will make Bayh an excellent president; and dare Folly say, a future Profiles in Courage award winner.

Not So Blind

It appears that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's blind trust wasn't so blind.

Documents show that Frist received regular updates about his "blind" trust, which is created that way so that officials can avoid conflicts of interest. But Frist, who is so superior morally, a veritable Ubbermensch, need not follow the same rules as mere commoners.

He also even initiated the sale of hospital stock, just prior to the stock's dramatic price fall. But this is pure coincidence.

Some people are just lucky.

DNA Collector

As part of a wonderful bill to expand government collection of personal data, the US government will soon to be allowed to maintain an immense DNA database of anyone arrested or detained; regardless whether or not they are eventually indicted of a crime, let alone convicted of one.

This is good. As a first step.

It must be expanded, though. We'll start first with traffic violators, and then add those who attend unauthorized political gatherings, and finally, thought criminals.

We cannot rest until the government knows everything about everyone.

Inexplicable

Ralph Neas, head of the aptly-named People for the American Way, called Democratic senator Patrick Leahy's decision to support John Roberts for Chief Justice "inexplicable."

How so. For it matters not that Roberts is unquestionably qualified for the position. He doesn't hold to the socialistic principles of the far-left special interests, and therefore must be destroyed.

The proletariat must be defended. And dissension cannot be tolerated.

The Black Hole of Basra

In a raid directly out of Rambo 2 or Rambo 3, Folly's not certain which, British commanders dramatically rescued two of Her Majesty's soldiers from what in the future may be infamously known as the Black Hole of Basra.

Perhaps this "black hole" will be used as a reason to exert the same kind of hegemony over Iraq that was once exerted over a region not too far away because of a similar "black hole."

Victory

The glorious Commander of the Faithful, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who's been unusually quiet as of late, recently announced "victory" against wasteful government spending.

How true. Since 2001, the federal government has only expanded by 33 percent and there were just a measly 14,000 pork-barrel programs in 2005 federal budget.

This great "victory" may soon even surpass the great "victory" in Iraq.

Red September

John Kerry and John Edwards, apparently unaware that last year's presidential campaign is over, yesterday constructively lashed out at President Bush's handling of Hurricane Katrina without offering any alternatives; interjecting these points with the same warm Marxian rhetoric that for some strange reason didn't connect with the electorate last November.

It's unfortunate the President Bush cannot run in 2008, as the Democrats will be forced to come up with a completely new party platform.

No Anti-Semite

Lenora Fulani, who was ousted from the New York Independence Party executive committe after she said Jews "function as mass murderers of people of color," didn't go down without a fight.

"There are anti-Semites in this country, and a ton of them," she said prior to the vote, "Lenora Fulani isn't one of them." She went to say that she even has some Jewish friends.

With anti-anti-Semites like her, the world has no need of anti-anti-anti-Semites.

Blame It on Corn

Although more than one-forth of Zimbabwe faces famine, President Robert Mugabe insists that his people are "very, very happy."

He further says that the blame for the famine lies not with his racist, dictatorial policies, but with corn.

Perhaps he'll put the nation's corn stalks in the same prisons he keeps the nation's vast quantities of political prisoners.

Over the Limit

For those Americans who have trouble with credit card debt, Folly has the perfect job for you: as a member of the federal government.

As part of the Katrina recovery bill just approved, the 250,000 federal employees with credit cards, an interesting number in and of itself, had their credit limits slightly increased from their current limit of $2,500.

To $250,000 each.

As in the past these cards these cards were used for such purposeful activities as prostitutes and gambling, New Orleans should once again emerge as the party capital of America.

No Sacrifice Needed

While the costs of Hurricane Katrina for US federal government may exceed 200 billion dollars, no is calling for spending cuts to offset this expenditure. No one but Senator Tom Coburn.

That pesky Capraesque gnat continues to wrongly believe that government should be responsible to the people it theoretically serves, that it should spend only what takes in. Doesn't he realize that it's far better to behave like five-year-olds, thinking money magically comes from thin air?

Fortunately, no one in Congress is listening to him.

Yahoo!

The Internet firm Yahoo! should be receiving heaps of praise throughout China today for collaborating with the communist government in convicting a traitor journalist.

The company identified Shi Toa, who had sent "state secrets" to a Western democracy group, through his IP address, and dutifully passed along this information, even though it wasn't legally obliged to.

If only they existed during the time of Mao, just think how beneficial they could've been.

Slide Show Redux

The United States yesterday presented an hour-long slide show at the United Nations, using satellite imagery to make its case that Iran is developing nuclear weapons, eerily similar to the show they presented two years earlier, proving definitively that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

Therefore, there can be no person in that body that could reasonably dispute the findings or protest the inevitable Operation Iranian Freedom that will follow from it.

Patience

While Americans are focused on New Orleans, the Supreme Court, and gas prices, the US Ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad, implied that the US was contemplating a military strike against Syria.

"Our patience is running out," he said, refering to the lax control on the border with Iraq. And when specifically asked about military action against Damascus, he replied, "All options are on the table."

Wonderful news. Another war is just what Americans need to get their minds off their troubles.

A Time to Reap

Embattled FEMA director Michael Brown resigned today in the wake of his handling of Hurricane Katrina. Folly, for one, will be sorry to see him go.

But weep not for Mr. Brown; at least not for long, as he plans to move to the private sector like his predecessor and friend, Joe Allbaugh, who as a lobbyist stands to make a fortune representing companies involved with the reconstruction of New Orleans.

As the Bible tells us, you reap what you sow.

Get Your Graft Here

While the White House took a public relations hit over their handling of Hurricane Katrina, they can at least take some solace in knowing that some of their friends will make huge profits from the tragedy.

CNN is reporting that corporations with close ties to the Administration have been awarded reconstruction contracts, most notably Folly's dear old cohort, Haliburton.

It's no wonder Dick Cheney had such a solemn demeanor while viewing the devastation, as he was most likely quite busy counting his booty.

As they say, every cloud has a silver stock option.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time in America the law was that no person could be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury except in cases of military law at times of war.

Fortunately for Folly, these times are no more.

Yesterday, US Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit ruled that Jose Padila, a private American citizen being held in some dungeon since 2002 without charges or representation, can be held indefinitely, basterdizing the Fifth Amendment to the point that anyone, anywhere, and at anytime can be disappeared by the government for any reason.

"Who's that knocking on my door, . . ."

September Surprise

In a shocking surprise, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak received approximately 83 percent of the vote in the first multi-candidate election in that country's history.

What was shocking was that he received that little, considering all the reports of voter intimidation and fraud, and that as little as 15 percent of the population voted.

If only Iraq could have such democracy.

Optimism in Houston

Former First Lady Barbara Bush, who graciously took time away from her country club activities to give succor to the displaced peasantry in the Astrodome, said, "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

She's right. They should be very thankful for the storm that destroyed their homes, as they are much better off. Hopefully, the good Lord will send more storms like Katrina to improve the lives of others as well.

If only everyone in America shared Mrs. Bush's Panglossian optimism.

Geographically Challenged

Those who wonder why Americans are so good at geography should ask Alaskan senator Ted Stevens.

Stevens, defending the incompetence of the federal government in response to Katrina, said, "This is the largest disaster in the history of the United States, over an area twice the size of Europe."

Of course, the land mass of Europe is actually larger than the entire United States, Alaska included. But what's a few million square kilometers?

A Heck of a Job

As New Orleans awakes from its Beckmann-like dream, federal officials are scrambling to congratulate each other for letting poor people drown and starve.

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job," President Bush said.

Brownie, of course, is the president's pet name for Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, who came to the agency after being a commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association; which, as we all know, is a traditional stepping stone for those aspiring toward a career in disaster management.

And there should be no talk of cronyism simply because he was hired by a former college roommate, who himself got his job through political patronage.

It's just unfortunate that in this tragedy there were no horses to save.

The Kingdom of Qaim

In what may be a foreshadow of the future, Al Qaeda took control of an Iraqi town on the Syrian border and renamed it the "Islamic Kingdom of Qaim."

In commemoration of the event, the new government burned down CD shops, a movie theater, and a beauty parlor; as well as left the bullet-riddled body of a prostitute to rot on the street as "punishment."

The Iraqi people must overjoyed with anticipation of Al Qaeda doing for the rest of Iraq what they've done with Qaim, replacing an authoritarian, but secular society with a Talibanesque paradise.

Thank G-d for Katrina

In a posting titled on their Web site, "Thank G-d for Katrina," the good Christians of Westboro Baptist have offered words of compassion for the city of New Orleans. Here is just a sample of their wisdom:

"New Orleans, symbol of America, seen for what it is: a putrid, toxic, stinking cesspool of fag fecal matter."

"America is irreversibly doomed. It is a sin to pray for the good of this evil fag nation."

"It is a sin NOT to rejoice when G-d executes His wrath and vengeance upon America."

"Pray for more dead bodies floating on the fag-semen-rancid waters of New Orleans."

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Bulldoze It

Folly's favorite Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert this week offered a voice of sympathy to the citizens of New Orleans.

"It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed," he said when asked about the tragedy, and further said he didn't think it made sense to rebuild the city.

Of course it doesn't make sense. After all, New Orleans is far downstream from his Illinois hometown, which has no need of being bulldozed.

Later that same day, he felt no need to show up in Washington to oversee the passage of an aid bill. For he had far more important things to do: like attend a fundraiser and an antique car auction.

Compassionate conservatism at its finest.

It's Their Own Fault

FEMA Director Michael Brown placed the blame for the disaster in New Orleans squarely where it belonged.

Not on his shoulders, of course; but on the victims themselves. After all, weren't they told to leave?

Just because they are poor and didn't have the means to leave is no excuse. Why didn't they get a high-paying government sinecure like he did?

Hopefully, they will learn from this lesson.

A Time to Gouge

As New Orleans continues its slow descent into the abyss, gas retailers in the region are doing their part to better the situation.

By gouging prices.

Not unlike their brethren who are ransacking the city, they are partaking in their own special form of looting by charging as much as $6 for a gallon of gas.

If only retailers across the nation would follow their lead.

Let's Loot

As we see again and again, great tragedy always brings out the best in mankind.

The people of New Orleans, in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, with no electricity or running water, knowing that the National Guard is at limited strength due to Iraq, are showing their unity of purpose.

By looting.

All across the city, massive looting is reported. As well as carjackings, shootings, and other assorted fun.

Tomorrow your city is ruined, but tonight it's a blast.

One Man's Loss

Not everyone this morning is grieving over Hurricane Katrina.

The oil trade, never one not to take an advantage of a tragedy, is using the hurricane as an excuse for raising oil prices to over $70 a barrel.

Just as long as someone is profiting from the death and the destruction, it can't be all bad.

Old Time Religion

Folly's favorite church, Westboro Baptist of Kansas, better known by their Web site, g-dhatesfags.com (the name changed here to protect the pious) was back practicing their good old time religion this past weekend.

They protested outside the funerals of two servicemen killed in Iraq. Not because the men were gay, as they evidently were not, but to inform the nation that G-d is punishing the US for harboring gays by killing its soldiers.

Yes, if the US would just stop harboring gays, the good Lord would make sure no further soldiers die. Count on it.

It's up to you, Mr. President.

Iraqi Hands

The Iraqi parliament today agreed to a draft constitution, albeit without the support of the Sunnis.

But a civil war is something to think about far in the future. Today is a day for celebration.

Humam Hammoudi, a Shiite and the chairman of the drafting committee, congratulated the Iraqi people for "this constitution that was written by Iraqi hands," hands steadied by the firm grasp of a man named Sam.

Whose Country is It?

In an expression of unmitigated gall, the Uzbekistan's senate vote unanimously to expel the US military from its country, an important base in the continuing occupation of Afghanistan.

To whom do they think their country truly belongs?

It seems as if another Operation Enduring Freedom is needed. After all, the Uzbek government is not quite democratic enough.

Caliphate

Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff General Richard Meyers said today the if the US were to leave Iraq, it could lead to the formation of a caliphate in the region, meaning a single Islamic country in place of the small, weak ones artificially created by Winston Churchill.

This can't be allowed to happen, as it would bring stability and give the Arabs the type of government most of them want.

The US must stay. It's for the Arabs own good.

Misinterpreted

Pat Robertson, facing a deluge of criticism after calling for the murder of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, said yesterday that his comments were misinterpreted.

And Folly believes him. After all, wasn't Christ misinterpeted? And isn't Robertson Christ's personal emmisary on Earth?

Robertson insists that when he said the US should "Take him out," he meant that they should kidnap him. And since there is no commandment that states, "Thou shall not kidnap leaders of foreign countries," it's okay.

It's okay.

Intelligent Design

Senator Bill Frist, attempting to get back into the good graces of the zealotry after withdrawing his support for the sanctity of stem cells, is proposing that intelligent design be taught in the public schools.

For those unhip, "intelligent design" is theocratspeak for "creationism." By using the word "intelligent," the theory instantly becomes . . . intelligent.

Folly suggests that the Flat Earth Society also come up a cool new name for their theory, in order to make it more scientifically valid as well.

An Apostle of Christ

Renown televangelist and apostle of Christ Pat Robertson yesterday called for the cold-blooded murder of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

In Roberston's version of the Gospels, Christ often called for the assassination of political leaders, especially when it would serve to stabilize the free flow of important natural resources such as oil.

Folly hopes that Robertson will distribute this version to the people, to replace the current one that seems to only advocate peace, love, and understanding.

Complete Folly

Senator Chuck Hagel yesterday said that the US Army plan to keep troops in Iraq for another four years was "complete folly."

Folly protests and demands an immediate apology from the senator.

Folly is not keeping the troops in Iraq for another four years. Folly was sending them there.

And She's d--- proud of it.

Tradition

The golf course used to be a shrine in which all forms of corruption were allowed on its hollowed grounds, far away from the prying eyes of the public. Sadly, this great American tradition is eroding.

Ohio Governor Bob Taft was convicted this week for not reporting golf outings paid by fundraisers and businessmen. Of course, who out there is so cynical to believe that these interests expected anything in return?

Fortunately for Mr. Taft, politics is the only profession in which you can be convicted of a crime and still keep your job.

Workers of Washington Unite

As payback to labor for helping her narrowly win the Washington governorship, Christine Greroire has given the Washington Federation of State Employees the right to fire any state worker who refuses to join the union.

But in exchange of their constitutional right of free association and the loss of their individuality, they get to become drones within a beautiful organism.

And, of course, it truly is better to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance than to learn from one bird how to sing.

Follow the Leader

US Vice-President Cheney yesterday bravely told a veterans' group that America "will not relent" in its occupation of Iraq.

It's quite apropos considering Cheney himself could've been a veteran; that is, if he hadn't "better things to do" during Vietnam and hadn't applied for five deferments, and if he hadn't gotten his wife pregnant immediately after the military lifted its ban on drafting married men with no children.

But in his heart he was with the boys back then, just like he is with them today.

Vigil

In a boon to candle manufacturers, liberals from across America lit candles in an anti-war vigil, certain that if President Bush could only see these magical lights, he would immediately end the war.

Fortunately, he hadn't; for as of this morning, the US was still occupying Iraq.

Whew. That was close.

Odessa Steps, American Style

In a scene reminiscent of Eisenstein's Battleship Potemkin, yesterday thousands of people violent stampeded at the Richmond International Raceway, the result of which included an elderly person thrown to the pavement and even a crushed baby carriage.

But unlike the film, or the actual event it depicted, the stampede was not caused by Cossacks, but by an even stronger force.

Cupidity.

Yes, these people became crazed not over any injustice but in pursuit of cheap laptops.

Folly wonders if Spielberg will direct the film version.

Command of the Wheel

Wonderfully intolerant politicians and clergymen from across America came together on Sunday at a Baptist church in Tennessee for Justice Sunday II, where they preached against judicial independence, secularism, and liberal democracy.

One of the speakers, Bill Donahue of the Catholic league, said that "Catholics and other Christians together, we are going to move to the front of the bus and take command of the wheel."

With these men at the command of wheel, and with Folly guiding their way, the bus will most certainly lead America forward to the glorious past.

Tasty Crow

Apparently nostalgic for a golden era of the past, Tyson Foods allegedly maintained a "Whites Only" bathroom at their poultry plant in Ashland, Alabama, and then administered disciplinary actions against two black employees who complained about it.

At least they weren't lynched.

Something to think about next time you take a bit of some tasty Tyson chicken. Or crow.

Begins with an "I"

Not satisfied with invading and occupying Iraq, President Bush recently strongly implied that he is considering military action against Iran.

And why not? After all, like Iraq its name also begins with an "I."

If Folly were Iceland, She'd be quite worried about now.

Zero Tolerance

The Republican Party, which purports to have zero tolerance when it comes to vote tampering, is paying the legal bills of James Tobin, a GOP official who has been charged with four felonies of guess what?

Vote tampering.

But this is no hypocrisy. They do have zero tolerance for vote tampering.

When the other guys do it.

If You Can't Beat Them, Smear Them

It's been long considered good politics that when faced with a battle you can't win, smear, smear, smear.

So when NARAL Pro-Choice America saw no way of defeating John Roberts fairly, they ran an ad stating that Roberts supported the bombing of abortion clinics.

It doesn't matter if this is completely false. Tell a lie, make it outrageous, and tell it over and over again. People will start believing it.

It worked for Goebbels.

Slop

Like pigs at the trough, it seems as if just about every US congressman lined up to get his or her own share of slop in the new transportation bill.

Almost 6,000 items in the nearly 300-billion-dollar piece of legislation are earmarked for individual legislators, many of which have nothing to do with transportation at all.

Taxpayer be damned. After all, whose money is it anyway?

Freedom Isn't Perversion

The conservative group, the Public Advocate of the United States, has withdrawn its support of Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, because the judge once helped overturn an anti-gay law in Colorado.

For, as its leader, Eugene Delgaudio, said recently, "Freedom isn't embracing perversion."

Folly strongly concurs.

Freedom is dogma. Freedom is self-hate. Freedom is denial.

It certainly ain't perversion.

Speak No Evil

Google recently informed CNET that it would not speak to any of its reporters for an entire year.

And why?

Because CNET dared write a story about the privacy dangers of Google's search engine.

Folly is quite pleased to see Google following in the footsteps of their patrons behind the Great Wall. The dissemination of news must be controlled, and those who deviate from the Party line must be punished.

A great leap forward for Google, indeed.

Go Home

For the past few days, Cindy Sheehan has been protesting outside President Bush's Crawford ranch, seemingly intent on disturbing the president's well-earned vacation.

And why?

It seems for some strange reason she's a little upset about her son dying in Iraq for no reason and wants to speak with the president.

Doesn't she realize that if the president spoke to every mother of every dead soldier he wouldn't have time to plan new invasions and/or occupations? And even more importantly, he'd never make his tee times.

Folly wonders if Mrs. Sheehan would truly want this tragedy on her conscience.

Go home, little mother. Perhaps it's not too late to bare another son who could one day die for this most noble cause.

Reductio ad absurdum

In the aftermath of the London bombings, Great Britain is adding new groups to the list of those banned in the country. Anyone associated with one of these groups faces a prison term of up to 10 years.

Of course, any organization added to the list can appeal to both the Home Secretary and to the courts. However, anyone making such an appeal would be, by definition, associated with such a group, and would hence face a prison term of up to 10 years.

Of course, a representative of this person could file an appeal. However, . . .

Reagangrad

Former US president Ronald Reagan, who already has an airport and a building named after him in Washington, DC, might soon be receiving a new tribute.

Rep. Henry Bonilla is proposing renaming 16th street, the thoroughfare that runs in front of the White House, Ronald Reagan Boulevard.

But why stop here? Why not rename the entire city Reagangrad? And then build a 100-foot statue of Reagan on Capitol Hill, where he can stand as shiny beacon smiling down on his beloved children.

Share the Torture

The United States is transferring over 100 Afghan prisoners from Guantanamo Bay back to Afghanistan, where they can be tortured in their own country.

For why should the US have all the fun?

Buy a Little Piece of Tyranny

Baidu, the top Chinese search engine, which gallantly helps maintain totalitarianism in China by making certain no one searches for anything evil, like democracy, is planning an IPO.

Just imagine: now you too can own a little piece of tyranny of your very own and help keep the Chinese police state thriving.

Not to mention make a pretty penny for yourself; or at least a few pieces of silver.

Unbeing and Nothingness

In the past few days, 20 American soldiers in Iraq have become unbeings, martyrs for no cause in particular; that is to say, they sacrificed themselves for the glory of Nothingness.

At least they died for something.

Cheaters Always Prosper

Yesterday, baseball player and All-American hero Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for steroid use, only a few months after he testified to Congress, under oath, that he never used steroids.

Let this be a lesson to our youth, that if you aspire to become a great athlete, a corporate executive, or even president of the United States, the way to get there is to cheat, to lie, and to steal.

For while fans may now boo and hiss Palmeiro for a period of time, they'll soon forget. And even if they didn't, no one will ever take away his records or the millions of dollars he's earned.

Or didn't earn.

A Sad Day for Democracy

It was with great sadness that Folly learned of the death of Saudi King Fahd, the cornerstone of President Bush's Wilsonian quest to make the Middle East safe for democracy.

It was with Fahd at the helm that Saudi Arabia emerged from an intolerant, authoritarian theocracy into the Rousseauean paradise it is today, a model the US uses for the entire region.

Let's hope King Abdullah carries on Fahd's wonderful accomplishments.

Long live the King!

Jesus in Bosnia

If you are making plans for a pilgrimage to Italy to see the moving Mary statue, Folly suggests that you add a leg to your itinerary: Bijeljina, Bosnia, where pilgrims are flocking to see an image of Christ in a section of a cut tree branch.

Pity He didn't make an appearance in Bosnia a few years earlier.

Censorship

Australia, which has a long history of fascination with all things American, has added yet another peculiarly American trend: censorship.

The Australian government has banned the computer game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas."

Why?

Because the game contains hidden sex scenes that can be downloaded from the Internet. And everyone knows that anyone who witnesses sex will be turned into stone faster than Lot's wife.

Folly commends the formal penal colony in protecting its citizens against this dark light.

The Media is the Message

Russia, outraged that ABC News broadcast an interview with Chechen rebel leader Shamil Basayev, summoned the US Charge D'Affaires in Moscow to make a formal complaint.

Apparently the Russians are unaware that, unlike in their own country, the American government does not currently control the media.

But have patience, Rus, for your novel approach toward the dissemination of news is slowly making its way across the sea.

Pilgrimage to Acerra

Folly urges all Her followers to make a pilgrimage to Acerra, a small town outside Naples, Italy, to join the throngs of other believers in watching a statue of Mary move her legs.

That's right. Not satisfied with appearing in grilled cheese sandwiches and Chicago underpasses, She has animated a statue.

Perhaps some enterprising theologian will set up a Marycam, to show all the unbelievers this truly magical miracle.

Viva La Revolucion!

It was with a weeping joy that Folly yesterday joined the Cuban people in celebrating the anniversary of the Revolution, marking 52 years of blissful tyranny.

Viva la Revolucion! Viva Fidel!

Folly would like to know when is Stalin's birthday, so She can put Her party hat back on.

Big Brother Doesn't Smoke

New Jersey Democrats are proposing a new law that would prohibit smoking while driving.

Folly fully supports this measure. Big Brother doesn't smoke, so it cannot be allowed. It's for your own good.

Perhaps New Jersey can even use the enablements of the Patriot Act to track down smokers and make certain that they are suitably punished.

You shall obey.

Ban Divorce

Presidential aspirant and would-be inquisitor Rick Santorum writes in his new American gospels that divorce should be severely restricted.

And he's right. Couples should be forced to stay together, even if they despise each other, for the good of the state.

Folly hopes that we can return to the glorious days before Heretic Harry, where those wanting divorce required special papal dispensation. Only, instead of the pope, dispensation would be granted solely at the discretion of Santorum and his holy band of true believers.

Tax the Smut

Associated Press is reporting that a shrewd Democratic lawmaker will soon propose a 25% tax on Internet pornography.

And Folly sees this as a good thing, as it likely will do for pornography what high taxes do to any economic activity, smother it. This is a great way to promote censorship without getting anyone upset. For who on the left is going to protest a tax hike?