Not French Enough

While the French were properly chided by good Americans for not helping us slaughter Iraqis, we must remember that they have blessed us with many wonderful things, such as the guillotine, French fries, and Celine Dion. They also have many attributes we'd be well served to imitate, most notably their intense xenophobia.

Last week, the French government decided that the film "Un Long Dimanche de Fiancailles" was not French and would not be allowed to enter French film festivals or receive any other special treatment French films receive. Why wasn't it French? It has a French title, a French story, a French cast, and a French crew. But as it was produced partly by Warner Brothers, it is a purely American film.

The French are wise to keep any foreign influences from not only their films, but also from their language and culture as well. And we'd be smart to follow their lead. Perhaps it would help us create the sterile, homogeneous society we all desire.

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Congress last week approved the spending of $131 million dollars of taxpayer money for "abstinence only" training programs in our schools. These wonderful programs teach children to disregard biology as well as demonize intimacy by explaining to them the fiery hell they will surely suffer for eternity if they dare to love one another.

But this is only one side of the proverbial coin. To truly mold our children into right-thinking Christians, we must not only teach them that love is wrong; we must also teach them that hate is right.

We must teach them that it is all right to kill innocent heathens, that it all right to sacrifice your life for the financial well-being of others, that it is all right to abuse and torture people that are different from ourselves.

Following these guidelines will not only create better citizens, but also better soldiers as we continue to pursue our tireless and endless crusade.

The Majority of the Majority

Dennis Hastert, the US Speaker of Folly, recently stated that, during the next congress, bills and measures will only be brought to the House of Representatives if the "majority of the majority" support them. Mr. Hastert has wisely realized that the cliche "government of the people, for the people, and by the people" is an anachronism and will be replaced by government of the mob, for the mob, and by the mob.

This new system will make congress far less contentious as there will be far less debate. It will also make it easier to pass the theocratic reforms this country so desperately needs, eliminating another anachronism, the separation of church and state.

And this is only the first step. Next, we will apply the "majority of the majority" to our entire American system, discarding the rights and protections of all those in the minority.

You're either with us or against us.

'Tis the Season for Debt

Yesterday began the glorious Christmas shopping season, when tens of millions of Americans flock to some of our greatest architectural wonders, shopping malls, to dig themselves deeper into debt, a debt from which many will never dig themselves out. Which means they will have to continue to happily slave away in factories and office buildings for the rest of their useful lives.

O the joyous season!

And all in the name of Christ, who, of course, often preached in support of the mindless pursuit of materialism. A pursuit that will surely allow you to enter the Kingdom of G-d.

Thanksgiving Day Pardons

Initially, Folly was greatly chagrined to learn that President Bush pardoned two condemned prisoners in honor of Thanksgiving Day. The president, when governor of Texas, had a long history of murdering malefactors while giving only cursory reviews of their cases. The electorate had every reason to expect this policy would be continued when he became president, especially as it is perfectly congruent with the teachings of Christ, the man whom Bush attests to admire the most.

Fortunately, it turned out that the pardoned were turkeys. This is completely different. The turkey is a noble and proud animal, with the intelligence of an American president. They are worthy of compassion and mercy.

Let's just hope he never decides to extend this compassion and mercy to humans.

An Unacceptable Election

Colin Powell, the US Secretary of Folly, stated this week that the Ukrainian election results were unacceptable, inferring that the US may not recognize the new government. In this election, according to official tallies, the pro-Russian candidate, Viktor Yanukovych, defeated the pro-American candidate, Viktor Yushchenko.

Why does the US believe the results were illegitimate? It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Yushchenko might be more willing to sacrifice young Ukrainians in Iraq. No, it's because the exit polls projected that Yushchenko would win; and we all know that exit polls are infallible.

At least when the good guys win.

Blessed Be the Grilled Cheese

The Associated Press recently reported that a woman sold a ten-year-old grilled cheese sandwich, with a bite taken out of it, for $28,000 on eBay. What was so special about this sandwich to warrant that price? Why, it bears the image of the Virgin Mary.

It is truly gratifying to know that G-d, who sent us His only Son, would send us the image of His Son's Mother on a piece of fast food. We should all keep an eye out for such images, as they can both enrich our souls and our pocketbooks.

Luckily, Martin Luther is no longer around to muck this up.

Bankruptcy is Good

Yesterday, a chuckling Donald Trump filed for bankruptcy. But fans of Apprentice, the most compelling television show ever, need not fear for their hero. He's not in financial ruin, as the term "bankruptcy" would seem to imply, he's just simply avoiding responsibility for his debts.

Only a fool would take responsibility.

Let this be a lesson to all you Donald Trumps in waiting: spend lavishly, amass debt, don't worry about tomorrow. Someone else will pay the bills.

With Mr. Trump's ingenious financial skill, there can be only one future for him: the presidency of the United States.

No Tax Return Left Unread

Our noble warriors of Folly, better known as the US Congress, this past week past a $338 billion dollar spending bill, that included 1,000 pages of grandiose waste, graft, and fraud. And as an added bonus, amidst the pork, they included a truly patriotic provision: the committee chairman of both the Senate and the House shall be able to view the tax return of any citizen.

With this knowledge, they'd be able to investigate the enemies of our country: liberals, activist judges, and freethinkers. They could have used this information against one who might speak up against our agenda.

If only McCarthy had such powers.

Unfortunately, some bleeding-heart good-doers discovered the provision at the last second and had it nixed. But fear not, they'll be plenty more massive spending bills in the coming years in which we can hide this provision again. And as the bills keep getting longer and longer, sooner or later the pinkos will tire of reading them.

Alexander the Not-So-Great

A group of Greek lawyers are threatening to sue Oliver Stone over his new movie about Alexander the Great because it depicts the legendary Macedonian as bisexual. If it does go to trial, the lawyers should have no problem winning, for they clearly must have a time machine at their disposal. For, how else could they be so certain?

Perhaps they could lend this time machine to Mel Gibson, so he could prove that his depiction of the Passion was as accurate as he insisted it was.

The lawyers should also be upset that the film depicts Alexander as a pagan, when we all know he was a devout Christian, even if he did live more than three hundred years before Christ.

Purging the Libraries

One of the major tasks for the new US attorney general, in addition to continuing his predecessor's work of violating civil liberties, should be cleaning up the filth in the nation's public libraries.

Just as the people were justifiably horrified by the implicit nudity depicted on television prior to the most recent Monday Night Football game, they would be equally horrified to discover what's available in their libraries. That is, if they were literate.

Why, there's pictures of naked people in almost every encyclopedia and book about anatomy. There's four letter words in countless novels. And worst of all, there's a multitude of unhealthy ideas. All within the reach of our children.

It must all go. From Aristophanes to Zamyatin, it must all go, replaced by wholesome American authors like Ann Coulter and Tom Clancy.

The FCC to the Rescue

Over the past few years, the FCC, the Folly Communications Commission, has been the vanguard of the righteous in our country. It has protected us against vile nudity and naughty words on television and radio. Nudity is an affront to G-d, even if we were created in His image. And naughty words are . . . naughty.

Unfortunately, the evil purveyors of filth are now able to bypass this heroic organization by broadcasting their smut on cable television and satellite radio, over which the FCC has no jurisdiction. We cannot allow this. We cannot allow anyone to see or hear anything that isn't moral and wholesome.

We must extend the FCC's jurisdiction to these media.

And beyond.

Instead of just monitoring broadcasts, the FCC should also monitor individual homes, to make certain there is no nudity and no naughty words spoken. So the good people of this country can sleep easy at night knowing all their countrymen are just like them.

Honk for Peace

Last night, Folly encountered the greatest impediment yet to our ongoing crusade in Iraq. At a busy intersection, a middle-aged woman was holding a sign stating "Honk for Peace." Just imagine, one single honk from an unwary driver would cause the entire war to end, entirely bypassing all geopolitics.

After al-Zarqawi, this woman may be the most dangerous hindrance to our pursuit of global hegemony.

So, if you see this woman, don't honk. The continuance of bloodshed depends on it.

godhatesfags.com

Folly has a new favorite Web site, godhatesfags.com. It is run by a Baptist church in Topeka, Kansas (a veritable hotbed of enlightened thought), and promotes the true message of the Lord: hate, vengeance, and intolerance.

And not only do they run a fun Web site, which includes a fag FAQ that provides answers to such commonly asked questions as "What is a fag?" and "Hope for fags?", but they also go on self-titled Love Crusades, where they angrily picket communities that display love, compassion, or tolerance toward anyone different.

They've found the true meaning of the Bible by purposely avoiding any of the left-wing pinko nonsense printed in red. In fact, they've correctly skipped over the entire Gospels.

Their only fault is that the name of their site takes the Lord's name in vain. As this is a violation of the Ten Commandments, it cannot be tolerated in our new theocracy. Therefore, they should change it to g-dhatesfags.com.

If It Breathes, We Can Kill It

Yesterday, a reporter from NBC videotaped a US Marine murdering an injured, unarmed prisoner in a mosque. The Military is investigating, to determine whether the soldier should be awarded a Bronze Star or a Silver Star. After all, he was following the standard operating procedure of every video game on the market.

We are America. We don't have to follow any rules of war or archaic conventions. Beware.

In the words of Toby Keith, the greatest and most thought-provoking singer in the world, "We're gonna kick you up the ass, that's the American way."

Mission Accomplished . . . Again

We've won! We've won! The victorious forces of Folly are now in full control of Fallujah. All that beautiful rubble belongs to us. And we only had to martyr 38 American soldiers. Many generals spoke with glee about how easy the battle was. Of course, none of the 38 dead were generals. And of course, within the next six months the insurgents will filter back into the city and we'll have to fight the battle all over again.

Bring it on.

It's only appropriate that President Bush put back on that combat jacket, the one he so richly deserves to wear, find that old "Mission Accomplished" banner, and visit another aircraft carrier.

We've won.

The Big Scare

All freedom-loving Americans had a big scare yesterday when the Lord's shepherd on Earth, vice-president Cheney, was rushed to the hospital. Doctors feared he was having problems with his heart, but were relieved to discover He didn't have one.

Whew!

Consider the turmoil that would've ensued if we had to pick a new leader for both America and America's company, Halliburton.

Get well soon, Mr. Vice-President, so you can continue your glorious crusade for war, greed, and intolerance.

No Pills for You

The USA Today recently reported that many pharmacists across the country are not only refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control pills, but are also stealing the prescriptions so that their customers will be unable to receive the pills at another pharmacy.

These brave soldiers of our burgeoning theocracy, led by the 1,500-member Pharmacists for Life International, understand all-to-well that life begins well before conception, that it is predestined by G-d. And to interfere is to commit a sacrilege.

Once our theocracy is fully in place, all birth control will be banned. Of course, this will lead to a vast increase in unwanted pregnancies. But as abortion will also be banned, this will lead to a vast increase in unwanted births. But as all social welfare programs will likewise cease, what will we do with all these unwanted babies?

Perhaps we can follow Jonathan Swift's sage advice, and simply eat them.

Thus Spoke Madonna

In a gripping turn of events, Madonna, the pop music diva and longtime spokeswoman for Folly, just announced on the BBC that America must leave Iraq.

Just when we were really starting to have fun in Iraq, killing and maiming hundreds if not thousands of people, destroying cities, and inciting chaos, she has to spoil everything. Now, all our troops will have to come home immediately, before the mission's accomplished. She could've at least conferred with the Joint Chiefs of Staff before making such an announcement.

Let's just hope she doesn't come out against world hunger and poverty as well. What joys would be left?

It's a Wild World

Yusaf Islam, better known as Cat Stevens, received the "Man for Peace" award yesterday in Rome. The former pop star, who in the 60's and the 70's sung songs about peace, love, and understanding, later converted to fundamental Islam. He was awarded the prize for his contributions to muslim terrorist organizations and his famous support for the cold-blooded murder of Salman Rushdie, who committed the most heinous of all crimes: he wrote a book.

Mr. Islam's vocal support of the "fatwa" must have surely inspired the Islamic heroes who recently murdered Theo Van Gogh, who had the audacity to make a film accurately depicting muslim life, and will surely inspire others to do the same.

It was only fitting that the award was given to Mr. Islam by Mikhail Gorbachev, who had previously won the award for being personally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people in Afghanistan when he was the dictator of the Soviet Union.

Oh baby, baby, it's a wild world . . .

A Dark Day for Justice

It was with great sadness that we learned of the resignation of one of Folly's strongest proponents, US attorney general John Ashcroft. Perhaps the greatest attorney in the history of America, Ashcroft had the vision to see beyond the narrow confines of the Constitution. As the architect of the Patriot Acts, his work helped render the Bill of Rights redundant, laying the foundation of our future authoritarian theocracy.

The question is, who can possibly replace him?

Who will make sure that Lady Justice's breasts are fully covered and that her blindfold is removed?

Who will sing hymns with Condi Rice in the Oval Office in loving honor of the Lamb while planning the slaughter of tens of thousands of people?

Who will arrest people in the middle of the night without charges and then hold them indefinitely without a trial?

Who?

The Liberation of Fallujah

All hail the forces of Folly as they attempt to liberate the city of Fallujah from the "anti-Iraqi" Iraqis. We shall not rest until every building is destroyed and every child is dead.

But fear not citizens of Fallujah, the US taxpayer will rebuild your city better than it every was, complete with McDonalds, Protestant churches, and office buildings filled with cubicles. And if you're real good, we may even provide you with cable television.

Our brave crusaders fighting this historic battle must truly feel blessed that the president won reelection. For otherwise, they wouldn't have this date with glory and martyrdom.

Onward Christian soldiers . . . Ronald McDonald is patiently waiting.

A Hopeful and Decent Society

Karl Rove, the brilliant mastermind behind the victorious forces of Folly, stated yesterday that banning gay marriage was necessary for ". . . a hopeful and decent society." And nothing can be more true.

For how can decent people in our society remain hopeful knowing that somewhere two people are living together in infernal sin, in pursuit of what Alan Keyes called "selfish hedonism"?

No, we can only be truly hopeful if we can be sure that everyone is living according to the dictates of the Church, in holy sanctified relationships. Regardless of how miserable they may be. As Job learned, misery can bring you closer to G-d.

Theocracy

Isn't it about time America became a full-fledged theocracy?

If you listen to talk radio or watch a certain cable news station, you will be reminded that our founding fathers were actually theocrats and fundamentalists.

Thomas Jefferson might have been a freethinker on the surface, but we all know he really wanted prayer in schools, state-funded parochial education, and edifices worshiping G-d in all public buildings.

We'll also forget the fact that Benjamin Franklin was an atheist, that John Adams a religious cynic, and that the Father of our nation, George Washington, was a deist. For, over the past few years, we've never let facts get in the way of a good argument.

And we shouldn't let the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, or any other French-inspired left-wing dribble get in the way of our future theocracy, a theocracy with I, Folly, as its first patron saint.

Hail Britannia!

During the American Revolutionary War, the British hired Hessian soldiers as fodder for the American troops. Today, returning the favor, the Americans are using British troops in the same capacity in Iraq. While the most of the world shamelessly refused to invade and occupy a country for no reason, the British were more than willing to sacrifice their youth.

So, it came as no surprise when Americans recently ordered the British on a fun suicide mission, Mr Blair obediently accepted the challenge. It also came as no surprise when six British soldiers were killed and eight injured during the mission. It's okay, though, as none of the soldiers were named Blair. In fact, they weren't even Britons, but only Scots. And Scotsmen can always be counted to vote Labour.

G-d bless the Union Jack.

The Business of America

With that middling display of democracy behind us, we can return our attention back to butchering Iraqis and inflating the profits of America's company, Halliburton. As the great Calvin Coolidge once said, "The business of America is business." What's good for Halliburton is good for everyone, especially vice-president Chenney, who will need a respectable pension once He retires from the selfless service He has provided His country.

Our troops are, as I write this, feverishly preparing the final assault on Fallujah, against all those evildoers and heretics, who ignorantly fail to see the correctness of the big C's, capitalism, Christianity, and consumerism. They will all be sent to Judgment, along with the few thousand innocents who happen to get in the way.

Three cheers to our troops, many of whom will gloriously and honorably perish in this magnificent battle! They embody the timeless words of Lord Tennyson, ". . . Their's not to reason why, Their's but to do and die."

Repeal the 22nd Amendment

Now that we've ensured that Folly shall reign for four more years, we need to look ahead.

According to the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, President Bush cannot be re-elected again. This opens the possibility that someone sane, rational, and intelligent could become president.

We can't let this happen.

While the forces of Folly are in fully control of the executive, the legislative, and the judicial branches of government, we must change the Constitution to allow the president as many terms as he desires, a veritible dictatorship of the ignorant.

Of course, any amendment to the Constitution must be approved by the states. But if there is any dissention, we can simply tell the people that it is actually a gay marriage ban. It will surely pass.

Glorious Morning

O what joy!

Four more years of runaway spending, deficits, and mindless bloodshed . . . and all in my name. The American people truly love me and I will not dissapoint them.

Say goodbye to personal liberties and hello to the new Patriot Act.

Say goodbye to choice and hello to the backallies.

Say goodbye to your job and hello to bankruptcy.

And to all those young people too busy to vote yesterday, don't worry, you'll look real cool in those army fatigues you'll soon be wearing.

Four more years!