Simply a Monad

In the wake of the tsunami, many weak-minded people may be tempted to ask, Is there a G-d?

The answer to this rather blasphemous question can be found in the brilliant works of 17th-century German philosopher Gottfried Leibniz. Leibniz proved that nothing occurs without reason and that all events are simply monads -- basic elements of physical reality -- all part of G-d's predetermined universal harmony, in this best possible world over an infinity of worlds possible.

So, you see, the tsunami was actually for the best. It's all part of His plan; a plan that we, as mere mortals, are incapable of understanding, but a plan that we must neverless accept joyfully.

We're Not Stingy

Jan Egeland, UN disaster relief coordinator, had the unbelievable nerve to call the US stingy because it had only donated thirty-five million dollars to the victims of the tsunami.

While this amount is relatively small in comparison with the billions of dollars being spent occupying Iraq, there is, unfortunately, no oil in the areas affected by the tsunami.

However, if the misguided rescuers were to redirect their efforts to the discovery of oil, we would be more than willing to spend more money.

Perhaps we'd even send in Halliburton.

It's Good to Be Kohl

Shakespeare once famously wrote, "What's in a name?" Nothing, of course. Unless, that is, the name is Helmut Kohl.

While most people in Sri Lanka were left to perish during the tsunami and its aftermath, a vacationing Helmut Kohl was flown to safety in a helicopter by the air force.

And rightfully so. Because as a former corrupt chancellor of Germany, Kohl life's is undoubtedly worth more than any other.

So, next time you're planning a trip to southeast Asia, you might want to consider changing your name to Helmut Kohl before you go.

Say It Ain't So

Among the tragedies caused by the tsunami in Asia, a few tragedies particularly stand out. None more so than the story of professional golfer William Robbins, who was honeymooning on Phi Phi island, made famous by that great film The Beach, with his beautiful trophy bride.

True, they both escaped with relatively minor injuries, but the true tragedy was what Robbins said from his hospital bed: "There are going to be changes in our life from now on. We're going to take a lot of the bulls--- out."

Folly is truly worried that he might be referring to golf, that most brilliant and ephemeral of all sports, where dapperly dressed ladies and gentlemen spend days on end attempting to put a little ball into a little hole. O the poetry!

Please, Mr. Robbins, say it ain't so; say you ain't giving up golf. For that would be the supreme tragedy.

Our Man in Kiev

The US successfully followed the old maxim -- if at first you don't succeed, try, try again -- when, unhappy with the election results in the Ukraine last month, it invalidated them and arranged for a new election. And this time, our man in Kiev seems to have won handily.

A special congratulations must go out to all our wonderful CIA operatives in the Ukraine, who completed one of their most successful operations since they overthrew Mossadegh in Iran.

Now that Yushchenko has won the presidency, he and his Jew-hating, xenophobic, orange-scarf-wearing allies can return an order to the Ukraine that hasn't existed since the Cossacks freely roamed the banks of the Dnieper hunting infidels.

And let's not forget all those wonderful young people, who flooded the streets in support of Yushchenko. They will all look mighty handsome in uniform when they are fighting alongside our boys on the frontlines of Iraq.

Of course, this operation was only a warmup for the elections next month in Iraq, which we may also have to invalidate; that is, if we're unable to properly rig them beforehand.

Punk Joins the Team

It's gratifying to know that even punk rockers have joined our great Establishment.

Henry Rollins, former lead singer of the hardcore punk rock band Black Flag, whose very name is the symbol of anarchy, recently visited Iraq on a USO tour, a tour must assuredly conducted by a dead Roman named Virgil.

Folly can only wonder if Rollins, who may in fact be the next Bob Hope, performed some of Black Flag's classic songs, such as "No Values," "Wasted," and "Revenge" accompanied by the army's orchestra band.

Perhaps on his next USO tour, Rollins can bring along Jello Biafra and Lee Ving. Maybe they can even dig up Sid Vicious; that is, if he isn't already somewhere in Iraq.

Remembrances of a Christmas Past

On this grand Christmas day, Folly would like to reminisce about another wonderful Christmas.

In 1972, President Nixon gave the Vietnamese people a truly magnificent present. Although a Quaker, a Christian sect devoted to pacifism, Nixon didn't allow his religious convictions to get in the way of a massive bombardment of Hanoi on the anniversary of the birth of our Lord.

That showed those G-dless communists!

Folly can only hope that our current president, himself a devote Christian, will make a similar statement today; a statement that might be remembered at a Christmas thirty years hence.

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, in Fallujah and about,
Not a creature was stirring, they'd all been wiped out;
The insurgents were all laid on the streets with great care,
In hopes that the rats would soon be there.

Merry Christmas, Fallujah!

Too bad St. Nick will be unable to visit until you've accepted the Savior. Perhaps next year . . .

No Insurance for You

In a potentially devastating blow to our country's national security, a judge in Houston ruled that Halliburton, America's company, must continue to provide health insurance to its retirees. This was after Halliburton wisely decided to stop providing benefits to these anachronous former team members who no longer provide profit for the Company.

Doesn't this judge realize that Halliburton is above the law and is not required to meet its legal obligations? If Halliburton were forced to abide to the law, this could dramatically affect its patriotic activities in Iraq.

And how does the judge think that Halliburton can pay for this waste when it's only generating a few tens of billions of dollars in revenue every year?

Hopefully, the Company will appeal the decision to the Supreme Court. And hopefully, Dick Cheney will invite Justice Scalia on another fishing trip.

Ten More Years

Why settle for only four more years?

Retired Marine Lt. Col. Rick Raftery, an intelligence specialist, stated in the Washington Post today that he thinks US forces will have to remain in Iraq for ten more years. Think of all the fun Folly will have!

Ten more years of suicide bombings, prisoner torturing, and sectarian violence. Ten more years of destroying cities, killing civilians, and inciting hatred. Ten more years of Americans coming home in body bags.

And best of all, ten more years of unfettered profit for Dick Cheney, Halliburton, and our entire beloved military complex.

A Caring Fellow

President Bush yesterday defended embattled Defense Secretary Rumsfeld by calling him ". . . a caring fellow." And so he is. He cares an awful lot about destroying cities and killing civilians.

But there's another side to Rumsfeld. In the past weeks, he's humbly signed a few of the form letters sent to the families of dead soldiers. Imagine that: he's actually signed a couple! Wow.

We could use more caring fellows like Rumsfeld in our government. Perhaps when Pinochet feels better . . .

Spam is a Crime

A federal judge in Iowa just awarded a local ISP more than a billion dollars against three small companies that committed the heinous crime of sending spam. The defendants are only lucky that they didn't receive jail time for their abominable actions.

Don't they realize the proper way to send spam?

First, they must become large, multinational corporations. Second, instead of sending the spam over Internet, they need to send it through the post office in the form of circulars, which is much better because it must be physically thrown out, greatly increasing the amount of garbage in the environment.

By following these steps, they will cease being spammers, but instead complete a magical metamorphosis into advertisers, the pillars of our society.

Elway to the Rescue

In what could be a major turning point in the war in Iraq, former football player John Elway, who was famous for last-second, come-from-behind victories, visited the troops yesterday.

His presence was to boost morale, to show our boys that war is just like a football game, that with hard, ruthless play, teamwork, and self-sacrifice, they too can be victorious; and as such, receive the accolades of cheering fans.

Perhaps next week they'll send a baseball player.

Beauty Is in the Eye of the Surgeon

Today (or yesterday, depending on which side of the international dateline you live on), China held its first Miss Artificial Beauty contest, honoring the woman with the best plastic surgery. Or perhaps better stated, honoring the doctor with the best imitation of G-d.

Hopefully, this will encourage women all across China to spend fortunes in an endless attempt to achieve physical perfection. Hopefully, they will learn what women across America have known for a long time, that true beauty is only on the outside.

It's what Chairman Mao would have wanted.

Let Them Watch Video Games

A recent study by a group of doctors suggested that the playing of video games produces the same calming effects as anesthesia. So, instead of attempting to ban these games, perhaps we should be encouraging their use.

If the entire population were playing video games, they would much more sedate and less prone to dangerous thoughts. And by encouraging our children to play video games, we can raise an entire generation of happy, thoughtless automatons, who will always follow the rules, just as they do in the games they play. And it will have the added benefit of teaching them that violence is okay, just as long as it's done to the bad guys.

Perhaps that's why the US military encourages their use.

Secession

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors yesterday effectively proposed seceding from the Union when they submitted a bill that would outlaw handguns, which if passed, would invalidate the Constitution.

This should not come as a surprise, as San Francisco in recent years has never been a city to allow insignificant matters such as constitutional law to get in the way of creating their own private dystopia.

Once they have passed the law, all local criminals will surely see their civic duty and turn in their weapons. The only problem will be preventing guns from entering the city through nearby areas such as Oakland.

Perhaps they could build a wall similar to the one their intellectual forefathers made not too long ago.

Wearing G-d on Your Sleeve

Yesterday, Alabama Circuit Judge Ashley McKathan made news when he showed up for court wearing a robe embroidered in gold with the Ten Commandments. Hopefully, President Bush took note of this man, who is clearly a theocrat like all right-thinking Americans, with utter contempt for the separation of church and state.

Judge McKathan would be a perfect candidate for one of the expected Supreme Court vacancies and could perhaps set a new fashion trend for the entire country. Just imagine how everyone could get closer to G-d by wearing His word.

Nudity is a Sin

In the spirit of US Attorney General John Ashcroft's bold decision to cover the naked breasts on the statue of Justice, Vermont governor James Douglas is rightfully removing a replica of Hiram Powers "The Greek Slave" from the statehouse desk.

While it's considered by some as a great and powerful piece of art, it depicts a disgustingly naked woman, and can be seen by children when they tour the building. And we all know children can be harmed irrevocably if they see a naked person. Nudity is filthy, evil, and sick.

Even if we were created in the image of G-d.

Just To Be Sure

Last month, our gallant Christian soldiers liberated Fallujah in one of the greatest military victories since the Romans took Masada. They eradicated all the bad guys and brought peace and freedom to this beautiful city, which will serve as a showcase of American benevolence.

So, if we won an absolute victory there, why are we continuing to bomb the place back to Biblical times?

It's certainly not because the battle is actually still on, because the generals told us it was over, and we all know our generals would never lie to us. No, we just want to be sure that we killed everyone, that we destroyed every building, that Folly shall continue to reign there omnipotently for many years to come.

Ten Billion Reasons Why

For those of you who still think that there were no valid reasons for the invasion and the occupation of Iraq, here's ten billion reasons why you are wrong.

It was reported that revenue for Halliburton, America's company, for services rendered in Iraq, has exceeded the ten billion dollar mark. Actually, it's fast approaching eleven billion dollars. And all of this money came directly from the American taxpayer. How's that for fiscal conservatism?

Now, if, after this, you still believe there were no valid reasons for the Iraq War, then perhaps your name isn't Dick Cheney. But who's fault is that?

Blasphemy

A Scottish group called the Christian Voice recently asked the police to file charges of blasphemy against St Andrews University for performing Terence McNally's controversial play "Corpus Christi." Unfortunately for them, we're not living in the 16th century.

Oh, if only blasphemy were still a crime!

Right now, the secular authorities would be stoking the fires of a spectacular auto-da-fe, preparing to consign the heretics to the flames, in the name of the one true faith.

But despair not, Christian Voice; for there is a place for you in the modern world: America, where the 16th century grows closer with each day.

Countdown on Hold

With deep sorrow it was reported that Dick Clark, one of America's great cultural icons, suffered a stroke, something that usually only afflicts human beings.

Representatives of Clark, who each year ushers in the New Year with his provocative "New Year's Rockin' Eve" program, said that there's is a possibility that Clark won't be able to do the countdown, which could possibly threaten the transition into next year. We could be stuck in 2004 forever.

Please get better, Dick. Folly is depending on you.

Our Friends at OPEC

As thanks to the United States for spending billions of dollars protecting the major oil-producing countries in the Middle East, OPEC is preparing to drastically cut oil production, which in turn will cause the price of oil, already hovering at historical highs, to skyrocket even further.

It's always good to have friends.

No Tough Questions

Talk about ingratitude. Yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld graciously took time away from the planning of new atrocities to visit the troops in Kuwait, to encourage them to kill more Iraqis. And instead of our soldiers bowing to their knees to thank Rumsfeld for the opportunity to die for oil, they had the audacity to ask inane questions such as "when will we have proper body armor?" and "for how long will we be forced to stay here beyond our commitment?"

These men should be court-martialed for insubordination and free-thought. Why, if we had such malcontents back in the days of the Roughriders, we would've never stolen Puerto Rico from Spain.

It's Okay

The US military inquiry investigating the pictures of Navy SEALs abusing Iraqis have determined that the abuse was conducted following standard operating procedures. This means that the abuse wasn't really abuse.

It's good to know that the torturing and the dehumanizing of prisoners is no longer taboo. Perhaps instead of the criminal procedures unjustly carried out against the brave soldiers in Abu Ghraib, the soldiers involved in this non-abuse will receive medals.

Keep up the good work, boys.

Myth is Greater than Fact

When true-life American GI-Joe Pat Tillman heroically died in the name of glory, the US Army Special Operations Command released a valorous account of how he romantically rushed his band of brothers into the face of Death. And we all felt proud.

But, of course, the Forth Estate wouldn't let it go at that. No, these left-wing sensationalists had to reveal the truth: that he was killed by his own men in a botched operation, that he died for absolutely no reason. And now we feel blue.

When we these unpatriotic scoundrels learn that the truth doesn't matter? Don't they know Christmas is approaching?

The Election Must Go On

Amid the latest violence in Iraq, UN special envoy Lakhdar Brahimi warned that an election cannot occur. He is wrong. An election can occur. A fair election cannot occur.

But who said we want a fair election? If the election were fair, the people just might vote for candidates we don't like, and then we'd have to invalidate the election, as we did recently in the Ukraine.

It's far better to have only a limited section of the populace vote, the section who generally likes us. Or, at least, the section that doesn't hate us so much. Better yet would be to limit the election to the rich Iraqi exiles who lobbied for the invasion.

G-d gave His chosen people, Americans, democracy. But it's up to us to define what democracy truly is.

The Abuse Can Continue

The wonderful news out of Washington yesterday was that US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has graciously consented to continue in his post within the new Bush administration, leading the fight to abuse prisoners of war and to generally violate the quaint Geneva Convention.

We need a man like Rumsfeld, who understands all too well that Iraqis and other Arabs are not really human beings, and so not entitled to basic human rights. At the beginning of the war, he informed his subordinates that torture was good policy and would be sanctioned, and they dutifully followed his orders.

Just think of all the fun pictures we'll get to see in the upcoming four years.

One Pill Makes You Smaller . . .

In Nikolai Gogol's play "The Government Inspector," the head of the local hospital famously says, ". . . We don't use expensive medicines. Man is a simple being. If he's to die, he'll die. If he's to get better, he'll get better." Fortunately for our multi-billion-dollar pharmaceutical industry, our medical professionals don't follow this rather specious logic.

According to the department of Health and Human Services, 44% of all American take at least one prescription drug on a daily basis. This is a great statistic, as it means almost half the population is dependent on chemicals for their well-being.

But we can do better. Why not 100%? A dependent populace is a subservient populace, docile and happy all the time.

O brave new world!

A Justifiable Cost

It was reported today that Jason Giambi, a "slugger" for the New York Yankees, admitted to a grand jury that he used illegal steroids to enhance his performance. But this in no way should damage Giambi's image as a hero to our children.

True, he directly lied about taking the drugs; and it's also true that taking these drugs are technically cheating. But children should learn at an early age that lying and cheating are okay if you are doing it for something really special.

True, the drugs probably directly caused the myriad of health problems Giambi suffers, including a thyroid tumor. But doesn't fame and fortune justify an early death?

Costs are never relevant. Only results are.

Nepotism is Grand

Yesterday it was reported that Kojo Annan, the son of the Secretary-General of the United Folly, received an annual sinecure of $30,000 for five years from a Swiss company charged in the Iraqi Food-for-Oil scandal. A good investment on the part of the company, as it reaped millions of dollars in profit.

We can learn a valuable lesson from this; for, if Halliburton had simply offered Kojo a similar payoff, we would've had full UN support for the invasion and the occupation of Iraq.

Oh, well, there's always next time . . .