Bus Drivers Beware

The US Congress is likely to pass a bill this session that will make it a crime to transport a pregnant teenager from a state with parent notification laws to a state that doesn't have such laws.

When passed, it seems bus drivers (as well train conductors and stewardesses) will have to check the age of each female passenger; and if they are minors, have them take an immediate pregnancy test.

Travelers should expect delays . . .

If We're Asked

President Bush said recently that the United States will leave Iraq if asked to by the Iraqi government.

Of course, as an occupying force, the US is the de facto Iraqi government. This means it will only leave if it's asked to by itself.

So, the question is, Will President Bush ask himself to leave?

Folly hopes, purely in Her own self-interest, that he never does.

No Respect for Beauty

On one of the drama world's darkest nights since the slaying of Marlowe, 28-year-old "playwright," "actress," and "beautiful-person" Nicole duFresne was shot to death.

Ms. duFresne was leaving a trendy bar on the Lower East Side with her beautiful-person fiance and couple of other beautiful-people when they were accosted by brigands. When one of them attempted to take the purse of her beautiful-person friend, she defiantly grabbed the purse and said, "What are ya gonna do, shoot us?"

In retrospect, she probably should've rephrased that question.

Now, there will be no wedding between her and her beautiful-person fiance, which would've assuredly be attended by many other beautiful-people. Even worse, Ms. duFresne will be unable to write any more great plays, some of which may have even exceeded the Bard.

O ye villains, why didn't you attack some ugly-people in the Bowery instead? Then, no one would've cared.

In the Eye of the Beholder

Our muckraking yellow journalists have uncovered yet another boring prisoner abuse scandal at Guantanamo Bay.

It's been reported that female interrogators used tactics that have included sexual touching, the wearing of miniskirts and thong underwear, and the smearing of menstrual blood on the faces of prisoners.

While this may be considered torture throughout most of the civilized world, here in the US Americans pay lots of money for these services.

Now, then, to whom shall Uncle Sam send the bill?

Big Brother Lives

If you thought Big Brother was just some Orwellian myth, you should take a stroll through the People's Republic of San Francisco, where a law was enacted forbidding smoking in parks.

From now on, lurking behind every tree and bush may be a secret policeman making sure you don't do anything unhealthy. Beware.

And this is only the beginning. For how long can it be before all smoking is prohibited within the gilded gates of this wondrous city-state?

Who's that knocking on your door?

Defy the Terrorists

President Bush today courageously urged Iraqis to defy the terrorists and vote on Sunday.

Of course, on Sunday, president Bush won't be dodging bombs and bullets. But do as he says, not as he does.

He'll be sure to root you on to and from the polls safely; that is, in between golf and barbeque.

If You Can't Win, Slash Some Tires

Five paid employees of the John Kerry campaign, including the son of a congresswoman, were arrested yesterday for slashing the tires of 25 rented vans that were to be used by the Republicans to drive people to the polls on election day. They each face over 3 years in prison.

The punishment seems a bit harsh. After all, these heroes, the new vanguard of the proletariat, were simply making certain that only right-thinking people voted, following the illustrious footsteps of their party's past heroes, who made certain that only "qualified" citizens were able to vote through the benevolence of Jim Crow.

The fact that there were only five of them may prove to be the true failing of the Kerry campaign.

An Extremist

Dimitri Simes, president of the Nixon Center, a notorious left-wing think tank named after the former ultra-liberal president, said recently that if Bush really meant what he said in his inauguration address, then "We have an extremist in the White House."

An extremist? How so? Just because he wants to reshape the world according to his own vision?

An extremist?

Just remember, they called Hitler an extremist, too.

The Outing of SpongeBob

James C. Dobson, founder of the organization Focus on the Family, has ingeniously uncovered a dastardly plot to turn our children into wanton homosexuals through the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants.

While SpongeBob isn't openly gay, he likes to hold hands with his male friend, Patrick the starfish.

How filthy and disgusting.

Folly supports Mr. Dobson fully in ridding the airwaves of this fiend. Perhaps they can replace SpongeBob with something more wholesome, like those nice, heterosexual Christian vegetables.

Better than Food

While organizations across the world are collecting money bring food and shelter to the victims of the tsunami, Jerry Falwell Ministries is using the money they've collected to bring the victims something far more important: salvation.

In an e-mail to his congregation, Rev. Falwell stated that he intends to bring the word of Christ to the wretched in Asia.

Hallelujah!

Folly strongly recommends that you donate all you can to Jerry, so he can convince these heathens that G-d brought His wrath upon them because they had not accepted His word. Their souls depend on it.

Bentley's Loss

In one of the great tragedies of recent times, television actor Lamont Bentley died the other day in a car accident.

Not only did his death cut short the career of great actor, but his death meant that he was unable to witness the inauguration of President Bush.

Yes, he missed that magnificent address, one which was equal parts Woodrow Wilson, Mark Antony, and Knute Rockne. His soul will live in everlasting torment that it was unable to experience firsthand the speech that will end tyranny throughout the world.

The Rehabilitation of Stalin

In a move long overdue, the city of Moscow is erecting a statue of Josef Stalin, a man demonized as a despot in his own country since the 1950s.

After all, did he really do anything that bad?

Okay, so he murdered 20 million people, enslaved half the world, and ignited an arms race that could've led to Armageddon. Everyone has their faults.

Could a statue of Hitler be next?

Bye Bye, Beardslee

Donald Beardslee, who was convicted of multiple murders, was executed yesterday. Outside the prison, protestors, both pro and con, stood vigil.

One protestor in favor of the execution held up a particularly heinous sign, which read: "Bye Bye Beardslee."

What an outrage. It should've read: "Bye Bye, Beardslee." It's an appositive; and as such, it requires a comma.

On the opposite side, many courageous liberals braved the warm California weather to stand up against the injustice and the inhumanity of capital punishment. A stand they were able to take by virtue of never encountering Mr. Beardslee personally.

Turn Your Back

To protest the inauguration of President Bush, many brave, modern-day Gandhis will line the parade route; and when Bush passes, they will all turn their backs on him.

That'll show that meanie. He'll probably even cry.

And for an encore, after the inauguration, they can chase some windmills.

Who Said It Was Edible?

It is indeed a sad day for corporate America, as one of its own, former McDonald's CEO Charlie Bell died at the tender age of 44.

If you ask Folly, the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Morgan Spurlock, creator of the documentary Super Size Me.

For, if Mr. Spurlock had only made the documentary a few years earlier, Mr. Bell would have known not to eat his own product.

New Babylon Destroys Old Babylon

According to the British Museum, the US Army is damaging the ancient city of Babylon, which it's using as a military base. Artifacts that had survived the turmoil of the past 2,500 years have proved no match for the might of the greatest military machine in history of mankind.

Somewhere Nebuchadnezzar is smiling.

But fret not, archaeologists. In another 2,500 years, the remains of New Babylon may prove to be just as valuable as the ones were currently destroying.

Titan is Orange

In one of the greatest scientific discoveries in history, photos taken from the space probe Huygens show that the surface of Saturn's moon Titan is orange. That's right, orange. Not yellow, but orange.

And to think this probe only cost 3.3 billion dollars. A mere pittance for such a colorful discovery.

No More Psoriasis

Amgen and Wyeth Pharmaceuticals are marketing a drug to consumers called Enbrel, which has been shown to cure psoriasis. It has only minor drawback: it can damage your immune system, which may lead to fatal infections and/or tuberculosis.

But what's more important: clear skin or living?

If your answer isn't clear skin, you're simply not hip.

Can't Do

The US announced that it was giving up its search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after not finding any. Why? What happened to America's omnipresent "can do" attitude?

After all, there was no evidence of any weapons in Iraq prior to the war, and that didn't stop the government from manufacturing some. Why not manufacture some more?

If you make it, they will come to believe it.

Welcome

Oracle, which purchased PeopleSoft in a friendly hostile takeover, is expected to fire half of PeopleSoft's 12,000 employees.

Welcome to the team. Unfortunately, there's no "I" in "team."

Welcome to the wonderful world of corporatism, where you are nothing but an unperson, existing only within a balance sheet.

Welcome to unemployment, and unpaid mortgage payments, and unhealthcare.

Welcome.

Betrayal

After the CIA went through all trouble of getting Viktor Yushchenko elected president of Ukraine, he said yesterday that he supports outgoing president Kuchma's directive to withdraw their troops from Iraq; a directive influenced by the deaths of six insignificant soldiers, soliders who can be easily replaced by the some of the students who were cheering in the streets.

For Yushchenko's sake, let's hope that this is nothing more than doublespeak. Let's hope that when he actually takes power that he'll shut his mouth and send us as many troops as we want.

Otherwise, he may really have to start checking his food.

Less than a Dog

In one of the harshest military sentences ever handed out, Sgt. 1st Class Tracy Perkins was sentenced to six months in prison for drowning an Iraqi teenager.

Meanwhile, back in New Hampshire, Erin M. Wylie and Shannon M. Walters face up to seven years in prison for drowning a dog.

This means that the life of an American dog is worth more than the life of an Iraqi man.

Folly can only wonder what sentence Sgt. Perkins would've received if he had drowned an Iraqi dog.

Our Bad

In one of their few mistakes during the Iraq war, the US military dropped a 500-pound bomb on the wrong house, killing 14 innocent people, half of them children.

But everyone's entitled to a few mistakes. War is like a football game; American football, that is. Occasionally, even a great quarterback will throw an errant ball. What does he do? Does he sob about it? No, he tries again. Likewise, we shouldn't get down about murdering a few civilians. Instead, we should bomb some more houses.

We'll get the bad guys next time.

The Wrong Caste

In times of tragedy or great duress, such as the tsunami, humanity often rises above the muck. Fortunately, for Folly's sake, this feeling doesn't last very long.

It's been reported that India's untouchables are being forced out of relief camps by higher caste survivors, which is to say, people better than them. That is, if you can even consider untouchables people at all. They're certainly not worthy of food, shelter, and compassion.

Perhaps in their next life . . .

Blame

There's an old saying, "The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." If this is true, then director Oliver Stone must have been smiling like the proverbial Cheshire cat when asked why his film Alexander the Great was such a flop.

He said it flopped because Christian fundamentalists conspired against the film because it had a bisexual character. And he must be right, because in no way could such a renowned, Oscar-winning director ever possibly make a bad movie.

The fact that films such as The Bird Cage, The Philadelphia Story, and As Good As it Gets were commercial successes in spite of their gay themes must be pure coincidence.

Pick Up Your Weapon

In one of the great dramas of modern film, Robocop, the robotic law enforcer famously warns, "Put down your weapon." The US Marines may just have to hire this robot, albeit programmed with the opposite instructions.

Cpl. Joel D. Klimkewicz, a marine stationed in Iraq, was recently court-martialed for refusing to pick up his weapon. Why would he commit such a dastardly act?

The soldier had recently converted to Seventh-Day Adventism, a Christian sect that, entirely against the teachings of Christ, preaches non-violence; and had requested status as a conscientious objector. Of course, his request was denied. For, what would happen if all the marines suddenly got "religion"?

Why, we would have to go home, taking with us all our toys.

The Silver Lining

US Secretary of State Colin Powell, in his second bon mot in as many days, stated that US relief efforts in Asia will boost the image of America across the world.

Leave it to an optimist like Powell to see the tsunami not as one of the great natural disasters in history, but as a good public relations opportunity.

Hopefully, there will be some more tragedies in the coming year, so the world can truly love us.

The Great Prognosticator

US Secretary of State Colin Powell, in one of the boldest prognostications in history, predicted that the Shiites would win the upcoming Iraqi election.

How could he possibly know this?

Maybe it has something to do with the Sunnis boycotting the election.

Still, if his prediction actually comes true, it'll be Powell's greatest piece of vision since he categorically stated that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

On to More Important Matters

As the hoopla surrounding the mere 150,000 deaths caused by the tsunami has died down, we can now focus on more important matters.

Indian actress Aishwarya Rai, considered by many the most beautiful woman in the world, was asked by 60 Minutes whether she would kiss a man on screen, in undoubtedly one of the show's most compelling interviews ever.

Will she or won't she?

The world waits with bated breath . . .

Lots of Tires

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reported that he has accepted nearly $50,000 in gifts since he joined the Court, including $1,200 in tires. That's a lot of tires.

Of course, none of the generous donors ever expected anything in return from Thomas, as we all know the concept of prid pro quo goes directly against human nature.

Just to be safe, though, if you happen to be presenting a case before the Court, instead of hiring an expert in constitutional law, you may be better served by taking a trip to your local Goodyear dealer.

Give to Charity

As millions of people across the world are scrambling to come up with New Year's resolutions that they can keep for at least a week, Folly would like to make a suggestion: give to charity, especially in light of the events of the past week.

True, only a tiny portion of the money you donate actually reaches the needy. But think of all the good your charity provides. This money provides the altruistic executives running these charities large, but deserving compensation packages, as well as lots of perks and expenses.

Best of all, giving to charity makes you feel good about yourself. And isn't that all that really matters?