Violence Ebbing

In recent weeks, the violence in Iraq has started to ebb, as the Iraqis, like beaten dogs, are finally accepting their subjugation.

True, yesterday a suicide bomber killed more than 100 people. But as none of the dead were Americans, they don't count.

We're Watching

The patriotic lawmakers of the US House of Folly just past a bill that will allow the government to insert microchips into every driver's license.

While maintaining this measure is to prevent "terrorism," it will allow to government to monitor the whereabouts of every person. And who's to say whether advancements in technology won't eventually allow the chip to ability to monitor speech and other activities?

Bring it on.

In the new world order, "freedom" is an anachronism.

Election Reform

Hosni Mubarak, president of Egypt, one of the United States' greatest democratic allies, announced that there will be election reform in his country. From now on, more than one candidate will be able to run for office.

Imagine that. What a novel experiment in democracy.

Fortunately for the ruling party, just because more than one candidate can run doesn't mean that more than one candidate can actually win.

Witch Hunt

Kansas attorney general Phill Kline, with the full support of Folly, has ordered the medical records of women obtaining late-term abortion, so he can "investigate" crimes.

And if he's unable to discover any real crimes to prosecute these women with, let's hope he invents some. Perhaps he could even stage some show trials.

For we cannot rest until all women seeking abortions are forced back into the alleys where they belong, far away from the delicate eyes of the lily-white populace.

Suicide Isn't Profitless

Sales of the works of Hunter "S." Thompson have risen sharply in the days following the author's suicide. For example, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which had tepid sales before Thompson's death, is selling so well that his publisher is preparing to print an additional 70,000 copies.

Clearly, killing oneself is good for business.

It's unfortunate that you can only do it once.

Undemocratic

President Bush this week scolded Russia regarding the undemocratic actions the country has been taking lately.

And he was right to do so. For if the Russians continue on their current path toward totalitarianism, they may even enact a Patriot Act.

He Knows the Difference

Recently, president Bush said that he knows the difference between Iran and Iraq.

It takes a great statesman to see that one ends with an "n" and the other with a "q."

However, Folly is sure he sees the similarities as well. Neither one has yet accepted the Savior, neither one has a McDonald's, and both have copious amounts of our oil.

And let's not forget, both will accept American Democracy, one way or another.

Friends Reunite

Yesterday, "gonzo journalist" Hunter S. Thompson gently ended his own life with a gunshot to the head.

Folly wonders if the bullet were made of silver.

Now, Hunter's soul is free to reunite with his good friend Dick Nixon deep within the Seventh Ring, where they can torment each other for eternity.

Vexilla regis prodeunt inferni.

The USS Jimmy Carter

On Saturday, the USS Jimmy Carter, a 3.2-billion-dollar submarine named after the brilliant former commander-in-chief, was commissioned in Connecticut.

If ships take on the personality of their namesakes, then it's most likely that this submarine will spend most of its time in drydock pondering action, eventually sinking under a deluge of existentialist angst.

Bush Square

Speaking in Portland, Oregon the other night, Richard Perle, one of the chief architects of the glorious war against the infidels, said that we will one day see a grand square named after president Bush in Baghdad.

And yes, he said it with a straight face.

Folly believes Mr. Perle is right; and not will we see a Bush Square in Baghdad, but in cities throughout the Muslim East as they are vanquished under the boot of Democracy.

Bush squares will be 21st-century equivalent of Lenin squares, which magnificently sprang up overnight across Eastern Europe in memory of another great emancipator.

Hopefully, these will last a little longer.

Broken Homes

Fans of ancient and arcane forms of punishment must be disappointed to learn that Israel will no longer destroy the homes of the relatives of those convicted of terrorist acts. This punishment, a favorite of the Roman Empire in days of old, had been clearly effective in deterring terrorism and rebellion.

Hopefully, Israel, in its place, will replace these acts with another one of those grand Roman spectacles.

Crucifixion perhaps?

No Hypocrisy Here

In the aftermath of the assassination of former Lebanese prime minister Rafik Hariri, the US has called for the immediate withdrawal of Syrian forces from Lebanon.

For the cause of security is never sufficient justification for the occupation of a foreign country.

74,000 Years

A Spanish prosecutor is seeking prison terms of more than 74,000 years for each of the defendants accused of being Al-Qaida members.

The punishment seems rather lenient. For, after they finish their sentences, they could resume their terrorist activities.

A Liberal Queer

In a shocking display of filial infidelity, Maya Marcel-Keyes, daughter of famed conservative crusader Alan Keyes, "came out" at a gay support event, calling herself a "liberal queer."

Mr. Keyes, who once called vice-president Cheney's lesbian daughter a "selfish hedonist," must be besides himself knowing he too raised a hedonist. And a liberal. How could this have happened? Whom shall he blame?

The question is, does he hate her more for being a queer or for being a liberal?

Regardless, Folly would pay dearly for an invitation to the Keyes' family dinner next Thanksgiving.

And so would Ms. Keyes.

No Roses in Riyadh

If you plan to pick up some red roses for a loved one today, make certain you're beyond the borders of Saudi Arabia.

For all across this freedom-loving, democratic nation today religious police will be watching the florists and flower markets preparing to arrest anyone in possession of these evil plants.

America needs more allies like these, who will truly represent her values throughout the world.

UFOs

During the past few months, the Iranian press has reported numerous sittings of unidentified flying objects across the country. Unfortunately for them, though, they are not little men from outer space.

For if they actually were extraterrestrial visitors, they might have been friendly.

It turns out that they are only US spy planes preparing for the inevitable bombing and/or invasion and/or occupation of Iran.

Take us to your leaders, . . . so we may kill them.

A Different Beast

While the US invaded and occupied Iraq based on the pretext that the country had weapons of mass destruction, the revelation that North Korea has nuclear weapons doesn't seem likely to generate the same response.

Of course, this has to do with the fact that North Korea, unlike Iraq, actually has these weapons. Nor does it have anything to do with the fact that North Korea has no oil.

It's Fun to Shoot People

There's an old saying, "If you kill for fun, you're a sadist. If you kill for money, you're a mercenary. If you kill for both, you're a marine."

It's good to know that this charming piece of wit isn't just hyperbole.

Lt. Gen. James Mattis, at a public forum recently said, "Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. You know, it's a hell of a hoot . . . it's fun to shoot some people."

It's unfortunate that the crusades of old didn't have soldiers like General Mattis. For if they had, there probably wouldn't be any Arabs left to fight.

Pull Up Your Pants

The state of Virginia, the birthplace of Thomas Jefferson, recently passed a law fining anyone found with droopy pants $50.

Jefferson, who was a great believer in usurping individual liberty to satiate the morality of the whole, would be very proud of his descendants.

What's more, Virginia must be a great place to live, as it has to be entirely free of crime if police officers have the time to check people's pants.

Delay

The final results of the Iraqi "election," which were due to be released today, were delayed indefinitely, as CIA operatives and their Iraqi agents scramble to keep the government of Prime Minister Allawi, the Marshal Pétain of Iraq, in power.

Keep searching for votes, boys. You're sure to find some. And perhaps some hanging chads, too.

An Arm and a Leg

When Spc. Robert Loria returned home from Iraq, after graciously donating his arm for oil, he was surprised to find a bill from the army for $1,800 waiting for him.

The question is, Why? Not why the army billed him, but why he was surprised.

Soldier, don't you realize that these amputations cost a lot of money? You should be glad that the army didn't let you bled to death.

And it could have been worse. If you had lost a leg as well, they probably would've charged you twice as much.

Football Fans

On America's holiest day, Super Bowl Sunday, Iraqi insurgents killed 30 people amidst a spree of violence.

Perhaps they were just upset about the game's outcome, like the fans of the Philadelphia Eagles, who attacked the fans of the opposing team after their team lost.

Or perhaps it was the commercials they didn't like.

Just Like US

Early returns in the Iraqi "election" indicate an overwhelming victory for a Shiite religious party closely tied to the Iranian government.

So, instead of the virulently secular government the Iraqis had before, they may soon in fact have a government that actually believes in something: the hatred of all things Western. Best of all, it may be the first step toward a genuine theocracy.

Who said the Iraqis didn't want a government just like the US?

If I Had a Flashlight, . . .

The Los Angeles District Attorney's office decided not to press charges against police officer John Hatfield, who was shown on videotape hitting suspect Stanley Miller eleven times with a 2-pound flashlight.

Rightfully so. For, beating a surrendered man eleven times with a heavy, blunt object doesn't seem to be excessive force. Now, if he hit him twelve times, that might've been excessive. Maybe.

However, if Officer Hatfield decides, after all the unreasonably unfavorable publicity he's received, on a career change, Folly hears that they are looking for a few good men like him in Abu Ghraib.

Wanted: Cannon Fodder

The US Marines reported that they fell short of their recruiting goal for the first time in ten years.

It just shows how lacking are the priorities of young people that they are unwilling to sacrifice their lives so that we as society can enjoy cheap oil.

But if they can't be convinced on patriotic grounds, perhaps they can be convinced purely for financial reasons. Recently, the Pentagon increased the death benefit to the families of those who die in action to $250,000. This, combined with the fact that Social Security will likely be bankrupt by the time a young person retires, makes dying in Iraq a very attractive career option.

Be a Marine: the few, the proud, the dead.

Youth Shall Be Screwed

President Bush, in his State of the Union speech, outlined a plan to overhaul the Social Security system, which experts say may reduce payments made to younger workers by 40 percent.

This makes sense as young people tend not to vote. And therefore won't complain about paying for the people who do.

So, have a good time in your cubicle today. The elderly (and so-to-be elderly) anxious await the fruits of your labor.

Absolutely Shocking

It was recently reported how Alan and Anne Leigh-Browne, two elderly, devout Christians, were utterly shocked to find that the DVD they purchased labeled Pajama Games, starring the wholesome Doris Day, was actually a film containing naked female breasts.

They were so shocked that they had to watch the entire movie. Not out of any prurient interest, mind you. But because it was shocking.

Criminal charges must be filed. Someone must be made an example so this outrage never happens again. For we would never want the Brownes to have to watch another entire movie like that again.

What's $9 Billion?

According to Stuart Bowen Jr., special inspector general for Iraq reconstruction, the US occupational authority misplaced 9 billion dollars. It just disappeared.

But what's 9 billion dollars to a fiscally-conservative government running a deficit of more than 400 billion dollars?

And Folly is certain that those who disappeared this money have put it to good humanitarian purposes. That is, if you believe the adage: charity begins at home.