Satire Not Welcome

Conservative talk-show host Bill Bennett Wednesday made the Swiftian remark, "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down."

But unlike when "A Modest Proposal" was published, it was the left that was indignant.

And rightfully so. Doesn't Bennett realize that only the left may use satire?

Hammer Time

The great Commander of the Faithful, congressman Tom DeLay, also known as the Hammer because he is a metaphor of Justice, was yesterday indicted of breaking Texas' election laws.

Of course, DeLay properly denounced the charges, attacking the prosecutor, Democrat Ronnie Earle as partisan hack, even though he has prosecuted four times as many Democrats as Republicans.

Certainly, DeLay knows a partisan hack when he sees one.

Folly can take solace, though, in the knowledge that they could never find 12 Texans willing to convict DeLay of anything.

Equality

After the United States "liberated" Iraq, one of the goals of the occupation was to give women a degree of equality that they never enjoyed before.

This goal may be finally coming to fruition.

Yesterday, the first female suicide bomber in Iraq blew up herself and others, demonstrating definitively that women are now full and equal participants in the creation of a new Iraq.

Prid Pro Quo

As the Black Ministers' Council of New Jersey doesn't make political endorsements, it was quite strange that they recently endorsed Jon Corzine for governor.

Surely, it had nothing to do with the fact that Corzine had donated more than $2.5 million to their churches.

Surely.

Introduce, But Don't Confirm

Democratic senator Evan Bayh thought so much of Judge John Roberts a few weeks ago that he introduced him to the Senate Judiciary Committee prior to the Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

But as soon as the Democratic apparatchiks decried Roberts' formalism, Bayh, a presidential aspirant, turned on him.

It's such political mettle that will make Bayh an excellent president; and dare Folly say, a future Profiles in Courage award winner.

Not So Blind

It appears that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's blind trust wasn't so blind.

Documents show that Frist received regular updates about his "blind" trust, which is created that way so that officials can avoid conflicts of interest. But Frist, who is so superior morally, a veritable Ubbermensch, need not follow the same rules as mere commoners.

He also even initiated the sale of hospital stock, just prior to the stock's dramatic price fall. But this is pure coincidence.

Some people are just lucky.

DNA Collector

As part of a wonderful bill to expand government collection of personal data, the US government will soon to be allowed to maintain an immense DNA database of anyone arrested or detained; regardless whether or not they are eventually indicted of a crime, let alone convicted of one.

This is good. As a first step.

It must be expanded, though. We'll start first with traffic violators, and then add those who attend unauthorized political gatherings, and finally, thought criminals.

We cannot rest until the government knows everything about everyone.

Inexplicable

Ralph Neas, head of the aptly-named People for the American Way, called Democratic senator Patrick Leahy's decision to support John Roberts for Chief Justice "inexplicable."

How so. For it matters not that Roberts is unquestionably qualified for the position. He doesn't hold to the socialistic principles of the far-left special interests, and therefore must be destroyed.

The proletariat must be defended. And dissension cannot be tolerated.

The Black Hole of Basra

In a raid directly out of Rambo 2 or Rambo 3, Folly's not certain which, British commanders dramatically rescued two of Her Majesty's soldiers from what in the future may be infamously known as the Black Hole of Basra.

Perhaps this "black hole" will be used as a reason to exert the same kind of hegemony over Iraq that was once exerted over a region not too far away because of a similar "black hole."

Victory

The glorious Commander of the Faithful, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who's been unusually quiet as of late, recently announced "victory" against wasteful government spending.

How true. Since 2001, the federal government has only expanded by 33 percent and there were just a measly 14,000 pork-barrel programs in 2005 federal budget.

This great "victory" may soon even surpass the great "victory" in Iraq.

Red September

John Kerry and John Edwards, apparently unaware that last year's presidential campaign is over, yesterday constructively lashed out at President Bush's handling of Hurricane Katrina without offering any alternatives; interjecting these points with the same warm Marxian rhetoric that for some strange reason didn't connect with the electorate last November.

It's unfortunate the President Bush cannot run in 2008, as the Democrats will be forced to come up with a completely new party platform.

No Anti-Semite

Lenora Fulani, who was ousted from the New York Independence Party executive committe after she said Jews "function as mass murderers of people of color," didn't go down without a fight.

"There are anti-Semites in this country, and a ton of them," she said prior to the vote, "Lenora Fulani isn't one of them." She went to say that she even has some Jewish friends.

With anti-anti-Semites like her, the world has no need of anti-anti-anti-Semites.

Blame It on Corn

Although more than one-forth of Zimbabwe faces famine, President Robert Mugabe insists that his people are "very, very happy."

He further says that the blame for the famine lies not with his racist, dictatorial policies, but with corn.

Perhaps he'll put the nation's corn stalks in the same prisons he keeps the nation's vast quantities of political prisoners.

Over the Limit

For those Americans who have trouble with credit card debt, Folly has the perfect job for you: as a member of the federal government.

As part of the Katrina recovery bill just approved, the 250,000 federal employees with credit cards, an interesting number in and of itself, had their credit limits slightly increased from their current limit of $2,500.

To $250,000 each.

As in the past these cards these cards were used for such purposeful activities as prostitutes and gambling, New Orleans should once again emerge as the party capital of America.

No Sacrifice Needed

While the costs of Hurricane Katrina for US federal government may exceed 200 billion dollars, no is calling for spending cuts to offset this expenditure. No one but Senator Tom Coburn.

That pesky Capraesque gnat continues to wrongly believe that government should be responsible to the people it theoretically serves, that it should spend only what takes in. Doesn't he realize that it's far better to behave like five-year-olds, thinking money magically comes from thin air?

Fortunately, no one in Congress is listening to him.

Yahoo!

The Internet firm Yahoo! should be receiving heaps of praise throughout China today for collaborating with the communist government in convicting a traitor journalist.

The company identified Shi Toa, who had sent "state secrets" to a Western democracy group, through his IP address, and dutifully passed along this information, even though it wasn't legally obliged to.

If only they existed during the time of Mao, just think how beneficial they could've been.

Slide Show Redux

The United States yesterday presented an hour-long slide show at the United Nations, using satellite imagery to make its case that Iran is developing nuclear weapons, eerily similar to the show they presented two years earlier, proving definitively that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

Therefore, there can be no person in that body that could reasonably dispute the findings or protest the inevitable Operation Iranian Freedom that will follow from it.

Patience

While Americans are focused on New Orleans, the Supreme Court, and gas prices, the US Ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad, implied that the US was contemplating a military strike against Syria.

"Our patience is running out," he said, refering to the lax control on the border with Iraq. And when specifically asked about military action against Damascus, he replied, "All options are on the table."

Wonderful news. Another war is just what Americans need to get their minds off their troubles.

A Time to Reap

Embattled FEMA director Michael Brown resigned today in the wake of his handling of Hurricane Katrina. Folly, for one, will be sorry to see him go.

But weep not for Mr. Brown; at least not for long, as he plans to move to the private sector like his predecessor and friend, Joe Allbaugh, who as a lobbyist stands to make a fortune representing companies involved with the reconstruction of New Orleans.

As the Bible tells us, you reap what you sow.

Get Your Graft Here

While the White House took a public relations hit over their handling of Hurricane Katrina, they can at least take some solace in knowing that some of their friends will make huge profits from the tragedy.

CNN is reporting that corporations with close ties to the Administration have been awarded reconstruction contracts, most notably Folly's dear old cohort, Haliburton.

It's no wonder Dick Cheney had such a solemn demeanor while viewing the devastation, as he was most likely quite busy counting his booty.

As they say, every cloud has a silver stock option.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time in America the law was that no person could be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury except in cases of military law at times of war.

Fortunately for Folly, these times are no more.

Yesterday, US Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit ruled that Jose Padila, a private American citizen being held in some dungeon since 2002 without charges or representation, can be held indefinitely, basterdizing the Fifth Amendment to the point that anyone, anywhere, and at anytime can be disappeared by the government for any reason.

"Who's that knocking on my door, . . ."

September Surprise

In a shocking surprise, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak received approximately 83 percent of the vote in the first multi-candidate election in that country's history.

What was shocking was that he received that little, considering all the reports of voter intimidation and fraud, and that as little as 15 percent of the population voted.

If only Iraq could have such democracy.

Optimism in Houston

Former First Lady Barbara Bush, who graciously took time away from her country club activities to give succor to the displaced peasantry in the Astrodome, said, "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

She's right. They should be very thankful for the storm that destroyed their homes, as they are much better off. Hopefully, the good Lord will send more storms like Katrina to improve the lives of others as well.

If only everyone in America shared Mrs. Bush's Panglossian optimism.

Geographically Challenged

Those who wonder why Americans are so good at geography should ask Alaskan senator Ted Stevens.

Stevens, defending the incompetence of the federal government in response to Katrina, said, "This is the largest disaster in the history of the United States, over an area twice the size of Europe."

Of course, the land mass of Europe is actually larger than the entire United States, Alaska included. But what's a few million square kilometers?

A Heck of a Job

As New Orleans awakes from its Beckmann-like dream, federal officials are scrambling to congratulate each other for letting poor people drown and starve.

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job," President Bush said.

Brownie, of course, is the president's pet name for Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, who came to the agency after being a commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association; which, as we all know, is a traditional stepping stone for those aspiring toward a career in disaster management.

And there should be no talk of cronyism simply because he was hired by a former college roommate, who himself got his job through political patronage.

It's just unfortunate that in this tragedy there were no horses to save.

The Kingdom of Qaim

In what may be a foreshadow of the future, Al Qaeda took control of an Iraqi town on the Syrian border and renamed it the "Islamic Kingdom of Qaim."

In commemoration of the event, the new government burned down CD shops, a movie theater, and a beauty parlor; as well as left the bullet-riddled body of a prostitute to rot on the street as "punishment."

The Iraqi people must overjoyed with anticipation of Al Qaeda doing for the rest of Iraq what they've done with Qaim, replacing an authoritarian, but secular society with a Talibanesque paradise.

Thank G-d for Katrina

In a posting titled on their Web site, "Thank G-d for Katrina," the good Christians of Westboro Baptist have offered words of compassion for the city of New Orleans. Here is just a sample of their wisdom:

"New Orleans, symbol of America, seen for what it is: a putrid, toxic, stinking cesspool of fag fecal matter."

"America is irreversibly doomed. It is a sin to pray for the good of this evil fag nation."

"It is a sin NOT to rejoice when G-d executes His wrath and vengeance upon America."

"Pray for more dead bodies floating on the fag-semen-rancid waters of New Orleans."

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Bulldoze It

Folly's favorite Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert this week offered a voice of sympathy to the citizens of New Orleans.

"It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed," he said when asked about the tragedy, and further said he didn't think it made sense to rebuild the city.

Of course it doesn't make sense. After all, New Orleans is far downstream from his Illinois hometown, which has no need of being bulldozed.

Later that same day, he felt no need to show up in Washington to oversee the passage of an aid bill. For he had far more important things to do: like attend a fundraiser and an antique car auction.

Compassionate conservatism at its finest.

It's Their Own Fault

FEMA Director Michael Brown placed the blame for the disaster in New Orleans squarely where it belonged.

Not on his shoulders, of course; but on the victims themselves. After all, weren't they told to leave?

Just because they are poor and didn't have the means to leave is no excuse. Why didn't they get a high-paying government sinecure like he did?

Hopefully, they will learn from this lesson.

A Time to Gouge

As New Orleans continues its slow descent into the abyss, gas retailers in the region are doing their part to better the situation.

By gouging prices.

Not unlike their brethren who are ransacking the city, they are partaking in their own special form of looting by charging as much as $6 for a gallon of gas.

If only retailers across the nation would follow their lead.