The Stupidest Idiots in the Land

It's being reported that Jack Abramoff, famed Washington lobbyist and close associate of the Commander of the Faithful, Tom DeLay, referred to American Indians in his correspondences as "monkeys," "troglodytes," "morons," and the "stupidest idiots in the land."

And what did the Indians do to earn such invectives?

Why, they paid Abramoff 66 million dollars to circumvent the American political system.

Imagine what he would've called them if they hadn't paid the bill.

The Twenty-Million-Dollar Woodpecker

The US government announced yesterday that it will spend ten million dollars of taxpayer money to protect a single ivory-billed woodpecker spotted in Arkansas.

The bird, previously thought to be extinct, will also receive another ten million dollars from conservation groups, making him the most valuable woodpecker since Woody.

Folly can only imagine what the $20 million will be spent on. Sinecures perhaps?

How cynical She is this morning.

Nude Martyrs

Yesterday, Russian president Putin unveiled a statue in Israel of six figures and one a small child, standing in a circle surrounded by barbed wire, to commemorate the six million Jews who died in the Holocaust.

A noble gesture indeed, albeit with one major flaw: the figures were scandalously naked.

In quite unfortunate that Israelis don't appear to have the moral well-being of Americans. They actually accepted it.

What if a child saw it?

Mr. Putin: put some clothes on that statue!

The Banning of Schwarzenegger

The good people of Turkey, not satisfied with vilifying native novelist Orhan Pamuk for repeating the "myth" that at least a millions of Armenians were murdered during the last years of the Ottoman Empire, have directed their anger toward California governor and former "actor" Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It seems Schwarzenegger has repeated this same "myth"; and because of it, a coalition of business and civic groups want to ban his films throughout Turkey.

But while the Turks are right to be angry with Schwarzenegger for perpetuating the "myth," the punishment is quite unreasonable. For it will deprive its citizenry of some of world's finest cinematic achievements.

Just try and imagine a country without Conan the Barbarian, The Terminator, and True Lies.

Outrageous

US Congressman Tom DeLay recently called Supreme Court Justice Kennedy's decision opposing the death penalty for juveniles "Outrageous."

Kennedy, an "activist judge" appointed by that notorious left-wing president, Ronald Reagan, stated that nowhere else in the civilized world are juveniles put to death.

The magnificent Commander of the Faithful was fully justified in his wrath. What does it matter what the civilized world does? America can kill all the children it wants, regardless what the world, or even the lord Himself, thinks.

There is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

A Sad Day for Hollywood

It's with great sadness that Folly reports the death of George P. Cosmatos, the famed director of the cinema classic Rambo.

Instead of making a cheap, tawdry sequel to First Blood, Cosmatos instead made a film of intellect, wit, and brilliant dialogue.

Who can forget the gripping ending when Sylvester Stallone utters, "Find them . . . or I'll find you."

The only solace we can take is that he will live in celluloid forever.

The Commander Needn't Pay

Folly was being to worry about the glorious Commander of the Faithful, US Congressman Tom DeLay, as he had been keeping under the radar lately. She thought perhaps he got sick. Or even worse, honest.

But there was no need to worry. The Washington Post is reporting that Jack Abramoff, who, purely coincidently, is the same lobbyist who gave House Speaker Hastert a free $1,000 lunch, paid as much as $50,000 for a DeLay junket to England and Scotland.

No problem here. $50,000 is just slightly more than the $50 limit imposed by Congress. Why quibble over a few dollars?

There is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

Spit on the Other Cheek

Vietnam veteran Michael Smith, in the true spirit of Christian love and forgiveness, greeted Jane Fonda earlier this week in a Kansas City book store. But instead of "turning the other cheek," he improvised a little.

He spat a mouthful of chewing tobacco on the former activist actress' face.

How lovely.

Folly is exuberant to see that His love still shines through all of us.

Mary Visits Chicago

Crowds of the faithful have amassed underneath a freeway in Chicago to witness a water stain in the image of the Most Holy Virgin Mary, who had most recently appeared in a half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich that sold for $28,000 on eBay.

Why Chicago? Why an underpass? Why a water stain?

These are questions, unfortunately, for higher theological minds than our own. We can only look on with awe and keenly await the next appearance of Her magical tour.

Whoops

According to a story in the Chicago Tribune, Cameron Todd Willingham, who was executed in Texas a little over a year ago, was actually innocent.

Whoops. Their bad.

But being an eternal optimist, Folly chooses to look on the positive side. Texas allowed Willingham to be reunited early with his Creator, who undoubtedly knew his innocence and allowed him to enter the Kingdom.

Amen.

A New Era

A new era began yesterday for the Catholic Church, as German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope Benidictus XVI.

As a former leader of the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the new pope will hopefully continue his wonderful work supporting religious intolerance, punishing those who deviate even slightly from dogma, and meddling in the political affairs of secular governments.

His experiences in Hitler Youth and as a Nazi soldier can only help him in guiding the Church back to the Middle Ages.

Keep Your Mouth Shut

Turkish novelist Orhan Pamuk recently had the audacity to say that a million Armenians were murdered by the Ottoman Empire during World War One.

How dare he!

They weren't murdered. They simply became invisible.

In return for his treachery, numerous lawsuits have been filed against Pamuk for "damage to the State," school children have collected and returned his books, and one nationalist group properly stated, "He shouldn't be allowed to breathe."

As the Sex Pistols once famously roared, ". . . You better keep your mouth shut."

A Free Lunch

There's an old saying, "there's no free lunch," which holds true for everyone. Everyone, that is, except US congressmen.

On June 2, 2003, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert held a fundraiser at a posh Washington restaurant. And didn't pay the bill. And why should he? After all, it was only little over $1,000.

What's the big deal?

Certainly it was just a coincidence that the restaurateur happened to be a powerful lobbyist.

Radical Extremists

Last night, former hard rocker Ted Nugent spoke at a black-tie NRA gala, where he urged his brethren to be "hardcore, radical extremists demanding the right to self defense."

Someone give this man a gun. Right now.

There was no mention whether the orchestra played Cat Scratch Fever as Nugent made his way toward the rostrum.

A New Revolution

Watching the Chinese rampaging through the streets, attacking anything or anyone Japanese, Folly couldn't help but recollect the grandeur of the Cultural Revolution, where the Chinese people united as a single mob, showing the true beauty of all things human.

Let's hope this is the beginning of a new revolution.

Chairman Mao would shed tears of joy.

A Call to Patriots

The Patriot Act is up for renewal in the US, and Folly believes that it is imperative that it be extended, even though it has not fulfilled its original intent: the convicting of terrorists.

It has done something far better. It has allowed the government to spy on its own citizens and to override constitutional rights.

And this is a good thing. For only by denying Americans basic civil liberties can they guarantee these same liberties.

Just Like the Magna Carta

Congressman Tom DeLay, who has quickly taken the crown of the clown prince of bon mots from president Bush, recently stated on his Web site that the Republican Party's 1994 Contract with America ranks in equal importance to the Magna Carta.

How ingenious of him to compare a political marketing gimmick with one of the seminal documents in support of the rights of man.

In case you may have forgotten, the major selling point of the Contract with America was term limitations; which, strangely enough, never made it into law. And how fortunate is Folly that it didn't. For if it had, the glorious Commander of the Faithful would no longer be in power.

There is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

A Sad Day for America

Folly is saddened to report that Americans have come in second in the most vital of all categories: watching television.

According to Eurodata TV Worldwide, Americans only watch TV an average of 4 1/2 hours per day, which is dwarfed by Japan's 5 hours per day.

Every American must do their part to reverse this outrage. So, if you are American, and you are reading this, turn off your computer right now and do something useful by turning on your beloved TV.

Folly's counting on you.

And the Winners Are . . .

Folly would like to congratulate this year's winners of the Jefferson Muzzle awards, who have protected the rights of the citizenry by suppressing their free speech.

The winners are: the FCC for escalating sanctions against broadcasters for indecent material without defining such materials; the Virginia legislature for their wonderful law against drooping pants; and the US Marshall Service for erasing tapes made by journalists of a speech by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

Here's hoping for even big and better violations of the Constitution in the coming year.

A Noble Death

Yesterday, Al Lucas died one of most noble deaths possible, playing American football.

Lucas suffered a massive spinal cord injury when hit by two opposing players as he bravely attempted a tackle. He died later in the hospital, leaving a widow and a child. No word, though, if he actually made the tackle.

But the good news is his team won.

Rah! Rah! Rah!

Kill the Judges

While some members of the US Congress -- in response to judges who are interfering with the establishment of a theocracy -- are threatening to impeach judges or have their decisions vacated by Congress, Senator John Cronyn has come up with a much better method for reigning in their independence, by threatening their lives.

On the Senate floor, Cronyn said there might be relationship between recent rulings and a spate of violence against judges, which suggests that if judges don't abide the will of G-d, they may suffer the same fate.

Folly only hopes that some warriors of Christ were listening to the Senator and will heed his call.

Tragedy

A tragedy beyond human comprehension occurred yesterday: the Masters Tournament was rained out for the second straight day.

All across the land, bourgeoisie of all shapes and sizes had tears in their eyes, the amounts of which must've surpassed the rainfall in Augusta. For they were unable to watch adult men, dressed as geriatrics, attempt to hit a little ball into a little hole.

Over and over and over again.

Please, lord, end the madness and let the sun shine today over that hollowed land.

The Commander Strikes Back

In response to a New York Times report that congressman Tom DeLay's political action committee paid DeLay's wife and daughter a sinecure of $500,000, the magnificent Commander of the Faithful boldly struck back.

"My wife and daughter have any right, just like any other American, to be employed and be compensated for their employment," he said.

Yes, every unskilled worker in America has the ability to earn great sums of money solely through luck, pluck, and hard work.

Horatio Alger lives. At least in the DeLay household.

There is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

Strange Bedfellows

Renown progressive organization Move On has donated nearly a million dollars to the campaign of West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd.

You may ask yourself, what progressive credentials does Senator Byrd have to justify such an expenditure?

Perhaps it's the fact that Byrd is the only senator who was an unabashed member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Of course, that was a long time ago; and he has since mended his ways. Why, he hasn't used the word "n-----" in public since 2001.

Strange bedfellows indeed.

The Manchurian Congressman

The Washington Post is reporting that Russian interests, possibly the Russian government itself, paid Congressman Tom DeLay more than a half-million dollars in 1997 in the form of a lobbying campaign and a junket to Moscow.

Coincidently, shortly thereafter, DeLay voted to extended billions of dollars in aid to Russia, despite the objections of conservative House Republicans.

While some may see this as a sign of corruption on the part of the glorious Command of the Faithful, in reality it just shows that DeLay is capable of independent thought.

There is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

Wal-Mart's the Best

Fortune magazine has announced that Wal-Mart sits on top of their Fortune 500 list, as the world's top company.

How refreshing it is that our biggest and best company is one that produces absolutely nothing and contributes absolutely nothing to society. And let's not forget all those wonderful minimum-wage jobs it bestows on the beloved yahoos who work there.

Wired Pandas

Reuters is reporting that a panda reserve in southwest China is being wired for broadband Internet.

No word yet, though, if the pandas' Internet access will be censored like it is for other Chinese citizens.

Imagine the horror if a panda could freely Google the expression "Tiananmen Square."

They'll Get Theirs

When the great Nazi regime took power, one of the first things they did was eliminate the independence of the judiciary. They understood all too well that an independent judiciary has a troublesome knack for acting "independently."

The Commander of the Faithful, Tom DeLay, took the first step toward eliminating the independence of the US judiciary when said that Congress "will look at an arrogant and out of control judiciary that thumbs its nose at Congress and the president," and that "the time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior."

DeLay is right. Separation of powers is anachronism that must end. All power must rest in the hands of DeLay only.

There is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

Dousing the Flame

To protest the reactionism, intolerance, and mean spirit of Pat Buchanan, a young protestor, demonstrating how different he is from Buchanan, doused Buchanan with salad dressing at a speaking engagement in Michigan.

An Attack Against G-d

Vatican Cardinal Jose Saraiva Martins called the death of Terri Schiavo, "An attack against G-d," as opposed to the misdemeanors committed by the Chruch throughout its history, such as the Crusades, the Inquisition, and the wars against the Reformation.

As Stalin once famously said, "One death is a tragedy; a million is a statistic." And hence, the Church is only responsible for statistics.

Lots of statistics.

Therefore, it has the moral authority to pass judgment in this case.