Traitor Knights

In a wanton act of treachery and betrayal, the Wall Street Journal, known as the Al-jazeera of American journalism for its unrelenting orthodoxy, recently printed an editorial denouncing the great Commander of the Faithful, Tom DeLay.

True, DeLay is a tad bit criminal, corrupt, and hypocritical, but these minor problems can be easily overlooked considering the wonderful things he does in support of theocracy.

The WSJ should be ashamed of themselves.

Remember, there is no majesty, nor might save in DeLay.

In the Name of Correctness

In the name of correctness, the University of Georgia is editing a mural depicting its desegregation, removing the word "n-----," which is screamed at a newly-arrived black student.

Although this word was actually yelled at the woman at the time, the university is right for removing such unpleasantness. And while they are at it, they should edit all copies of Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn, removing all references to "N----- Jim," or at least replacing them with "African-American Jim."

And why stop there? Let's remove unpleasantness from all art, literature, and music, and pretend they never existed.

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Accepting the Truth

After the great tsunami earlier this year, Rev. Jerry Falwell and others were generously willing to send missionaries to Indonesia, to bring the word of G-d to the savages, so that they would be spared the lord's wrath in the future.

But did these heathens accept Him? Sadly no. And yesterday, G-d, in all His mercy, inflicted them with yet another natural disaster.

But it's not too late. Our lord is a forgiving one, and will gladly spare them in the future if they just denounce their errors and accept the Truth.

Now, if only Rev. Falwell would be gracious enough to send more missionaries.

An Act of Barbarism

The Associated Press is reporting that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who called the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube, "An act of barbarism," actually took similar steps with his own father 17 years earlier, removing the machines that were keeping him alive.

While this may seem like a slight hypocrisy, like a true Pharisee, DeLay is so superior that he may judge without being judged himself.

No Room in the Inn

On the eve of Christianity's holiest of days, in an act of true Christian charity and compassion, Pastor William Rice of the Calvary Baptist Church issued a fatwa, effectively excommunicating Judge George Greer from his church.

Judge Greer, an apostate conservative Republican, allowed the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube, abiding the rule of law over the law of G-d. Perhaps someone forgot to tell Greer that he now lives in a theocracy.

Happy Easter, Judge. Clearly, Christ died for everyone's sins but yours.

Feed Her or Else

Michael W. Mitchell, a true Christian Mujahideen, trying to save the life of Terri Schiavo, was arrested yesterday for attempting to steal a gun, which he intended to use to storm the hospice.

If only he had been successful!

Folly can only imagine him shooting his way through the hospice, killing all those who stood in the way of him and saving Terri.

For life is that precious.

Keep Terri Alive

Amidst the pandemonium surrounding Terri Schiavo, there has been little talk of whom would be the true victims should she be allowed to die: the lawyers.

Within the framework of the case, her husband has lawyers, her parents have lawyers, the hospital has lawyers, the doctors have lawyers, right-wing organizations have lawyers, left-wing organizations have lawyers, politicians have lawyers; even the lawyers have lawyers.

All of whom are billing copious amounts of hours; hours which would be lost forever should she die.

Now that would be a real tragedy.

Be Like Abe

The US Army, falling short of its recruiting goals mainly due to parents unwilling to sacrifice their young, announced that they would implement a new marketing strategy directly aimed at these selfish parents.

Folly would like offer the following suggestion for this marketing campaign:

"Back in the good old days of the Bible, the good lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son for no apparent reason. Did Abraham question Him? Of course not. He immediately put the knife to Isaac's throat.

"Today, Uncle Sam, an authority equal to that of Him, asks the same of you.

"Be like Abe."

Move to Texas

If president Bush and his saintly band of religious zealots are able to find a way to reconnect Terri Schiavo's feeding tube, Mr. Schiavo may want to consider moving her to Texas.

In 1999, the g-dless, left-wing governor of Texas, by the name of George W. Bush, signed the Advance Directives Act, which allows a patient's surrogate, such as a husband, make life-ending decisions on the patient's behalf. It also allows hospitals to disconnect life-support systems if a patient's condition is hopeless.

It's a good thing for the citizens of Texas that this heathen is no longer governor.

It's Not Too Late

The US Army, inexplicably unable to recruit new reservists who want to die for Halliburton, has raised the maximum age of recruits from 34 to 39.

This miraculously allows Folly's very own, occasionally noble vassal the ability to enlist.

Folly sincerely hopes that he quickly realizes his proper duty before this wonderful opportunity slips away.

The Elysian fields of oil are calling . . .

True Lies

The Washington Post is reporting that, in order to increase pressure on North Korea, the US told Asian allies that North Korea had exported nuclear material to Libya.

This was kind of true.

Actually, North Korea sent the material to Pakistan, a top US ally, and Pakistan then exported the material to Libya.

No big deal. For if you can't lie to your friends, whom can you lie to?

More Important than Golf

President Bush selflessly gave up some of his valuable golf time to return to Washington, in order to sign legislation to reconnect the feeding tube of Terri Schiavo, a brain-damaged women who's been in a state of vegetation for 15 years.

For it's up to the government to decide who lives and who dies and what is a life worth living.

And besides, what's so bad about lying around and staring out into space for eternity? Put a television in front of her and she'll be no different than the majority of Americans.

Thou Shall Not Read

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone of the Vatican called for the boycotting of the novel The Da Vinci Code, which he says is full of lies.

Perhaps that's why it's called a novel.

Bertone further went on to say that freedom of expression has its limits when it doesn't respect others. Of course, this would mean even the Bible would have to be suppressed; which may not be such a bad thing.

We could return to the glory days when only the clergy were allowed to read the word of G-d and when books like the Da Vinci Code could simply be added to the Index librorum prohibitorum while its author was burned as a heretic.

Folly sheds tears of joy just thinking about it.

No More Alaska

If you ever had the desire to see the ethereal beauty of Alaska romanticized by Jack London, Folly recommends you go soon.

Real soon.

A few days ago, the US Senate effectively voted to turn Alaska into a large oil field. While this may destroy one of the world's great natural wonders and much of the wildlife that resides within it, it will generate billions of dollars of revenue for Dick Cheney and Halliburton.

And what's more important?

Crime and Resurrection

A famous pinko once said, "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

Fortunately, most Americans will have none of His nonsense.

Yesterday, Scott Peterson was sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife. And there was joy and relief across the land.

And, of course, at the moment of his execution, the good lord in return will miraculously resurrect Peterson's wife and child.

Amen.

Injustice

In the greatest miscarriage of justice since Martha Stewart was unceremoniously sent to prison for the innocent crime of massive insider trading, Bernie Ebbers, the former CEO of WorldCom, was convicted of fraud relating to the accounting scandal that brought down the company. He faces up to 85 years in prison.

Not the slap on the wrist he would've expected.

Worst of all, by the time he gets out of prison, he'll be too old to enjoy his golden parachute.

Men of G-d

It's being reported that evangelical leaders James Dobson and Ralph Reed received millions of dollars from an Indian tribe to help squash a rival tribe from opening a casino.

Dobson and Reed, after enriching themselves from money generated from gambling activities, stoked the flames of the faithful against the immoral purveyors of gambling. And succeeded.

These men are the spitting images of the Son of Man, who often partook in similar activities.

Is it too early to canonize them?

$150 Baby

Hilary Swank, the Oscar-winning actress of Million Dollar Baby (sic) and Boys Don't Cry, is courageously fighting a $150 fine imposed by New Zealand for illegally entering the country with undeclared fresh fruit.

What were the authorities in Auckland thinking? Didn't they realize that she's famous and beautiful? Didn't they realize that this means that she doesn't have to follow the same rules as everyone else?

And wherever will she get a $150?

No Gamble at All

In 2000, conservative constituents of House Majority Leader Tom Delay may have been surprised to learn that Delay killed a bill that would've prohibited Internet gambling, when gambling is such an anathema to Christian fundamentalists.

According to the Washington Post, this paradox is easily explained. It seems just prior to killing the legislation, an Indian tribe and a gambling services company, both of whom actively opposed the bill, paid $70,000 for a junket Delay made to Great Britain.

It's good to know that even dogmatists like Delay are pliable, provided you provide the right kind of grease.

No Handouts

Congressional Republicans were aghast when president Bush proposed cutting farm subsidies, most of which benefits large agricultural corporations. Clearly Mr. Bush must've misunderstood these subsidies, thinking that they existed to help poor farmers.

So, instead of slashing farm subsidies, Republicans are proposing slashing food aid to the poor.

And rightfully so. For the government has no business giving handouts.

Only for the Little People

The US Senate yesterday passed a sweeping overhaul to the bankruptcy laws, making it far more difficult to declare bankruptcy.

Fortunately, this law only affects the little people.

Multi-billionaires like Donald Trump and multi-billion-dollar corporations like MCI can still declare bankruptcy at will. And so can those who bomb abortion clinics.

Folly can sleep a little easier.

High Treason

In a disturbing act of treason, six-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong gave his support to Paris receiving the upcoming bid for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Armstrong, nominally an American, said that the city deserved it more than New York.

Deserved it more?

How can that be so after the French obstinately refused to help occupy Iraq, after they steadfastly refused to murder even a single Iraqi?

Kidnapped

Actor Russell Crowe said yesterday that he was a target of al-Qaida, who wanted to kidnap him in an effort to create "cultural destabilization" in the West.

However, no one is certain if this was actually Crowe speaking or John Forbes Nash Jr., the schizophrenic mathematician Crowe played in the film A Beautiful Mind.

The Road to Damascus

In preparation of the inevitable invasion of Syria, last week Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas told president Bush, ". . . You know, I can fly an F-15, put two nukes on 'em and I'll make one pass. We won't have to worry about Syria anymore."

And yes, this is a direct quote.

Of course, this 'twas just a lil' piece of humor 'tween two good ole' boys from Texas.

Ha ha ha.

Get it?

Rules of Engagement

In a slight mishap, US soldiers in Iraq accidentally murdered an Italian intelligence officer as he and another officer were escorting recently-freed journalist Giuliana Sgre to the airport.

While the soldiers shot at the Italians' car without cause or warning, they are entirely without fault, as they were dutifully following the standard rules of engagement in the Iraqi theater: if it moves, you can kill it.

If any punishment at all should applied to these endearing lads, it should be extra shooting practice. So that next time there will be no witnesses.

What Would Jesus Do?

Last fall, Mel Gibson, a man many people consider a saint for his flawlessly accurate portrayal of the Passion, was visited a number of times by Zack Sinclair, a 34-year-old vagrant who wanted to pray with Gibson.

Surely, Mr. Gibson must have the asked himself the question many fundamentalists ask themselves in times of quandary: WWJD, what would Jesus do?

What would Jesus do?

Of course, Jesus would've had the man arrested and thrown in prison for three years. And this is what Gibson did.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

On Demand

After weeks of politely suggesting Syria should leave Lebanon, president Bush demanded that Syria leave Lebanon by May.

So that the civil war could be reignited by summer.

So that the US would be justified in invading Lebanon for the benefit of the Lebanese people.

So that the US could then invade Syria on at least two fronts, to give the Syrian people the same peace and freedom it has provided the Iraqi people.

Cheap Gas

Just a few days after it was announced that over 1,500 US servicemen had been killed in Iraq, it was reported that gas prices are expected to rise 25 cents per gallon in the coming days and much higher than that in the summer.

Weren't these brave men and women sacrificing themselves for cheaper gas prices?

This must be rectified, even if it means occupying a few more oil-producing nations; or better yet, all oil-producing nations.

Judicial Activism

The sixth amendment to the US Constitution states "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial." Of course, this doesn't apply to the Bush administration.

The government has been holding Jose Padilla, a US citizen accused of terrorism, without charges, without a trial, and without legal representation since May 2002. And rightfully so. Because if the government says Padilla is a bad guy, it must certainly be true.

However, Monday District Court Judge Henry F. Floyd, a pinko from the notorious left-wing state of South Carolina has ordered that Padilla must either be charged or released.

Talk about judicial activism.

How dare this judge try to protect the Constitution, an outdated document inspired by a bunch of French pseudo-communists.

And to think, Floyd was actually appointed by Bush.

Whew

Neoconservatives across America breathed a sigh of relief this morning when it was reported that deputy secretary of defense Paul Wolfowitz is not interested in becoming the next president of the World Bank.

Wolfowitz, a fearless military hawk (except, of course, when it was his time to serve), had supposedly been planning the invasion of Iraq since the previous Gulf War ended in 1991.

Fortunately for all right-thinking Americans, Wolfowitz cares more about killing people than providing them with aid.

No Humor Allowed

It was once said that "All humor is offensive," meaning that anything that is funny is bound to offend someone. That is why humor cannot be tolerated in our new Great Society.

Kraft Corporation, attempting a bit of innocuous humor, recently came out with a line of Road Kill Gummi Candy, which featured its well-known animals flattened by tire tracts.

Animals rights groups were rightfully appalled. How dare they make a joke about dead animals, even if they are only candy. The groups threatened boycotts, petition drives, and whatever else necessary to stop this outrageous humor.

And Kraft courageously capitulated. Fortunately, profit, or the threat of the loss thereof, won the day.

Today Kraft, tomorrow the world.